


BAD HORSE INTENSIFIES

by SeiryuNoHoushi



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Multi, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-02
Updated: 2014-09-08
Packaged: 2018-02-07 03:03:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 41
Words: 24,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1882677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeiryuNoHoushi/pseuds/SeiryuNoHoushi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fill collection for the Friendleader of Damarac3<Horussc3<Rufioh</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Show Me Your Teeth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Damara<3<Horuss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written with [this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jz0WsUNuN00) on loop.

She bit his hand and he squeezed hers harder than he had intended to. “Oh!” Not a scream of pain but an exclamation of shock, as though he couldn’t believe that the rabble had dug her teeth in. 

“馬鹿馬おとこ。手放す。怒りを解放する。” She spit blue blood off to the side, scowling at him.

“Is there a reason you don’t see fit to nicker a proper language like the rest of us? No. Don’t answer that. Of horse not. You are, after all, a rust blood. Hoove am I to expect proper behoovior from someone so low on the spectrum? Though you cantermagine how frustrating it is to deal with lower castes.”

“Shut up.” It was impossible to remove her hand from his grip, especially after her surprise attack. He was honestly much stronger than she had first assumed. Dark maroon bruises were already forming under his grip.

He gaped at her. Had this little filth-blooded filly actually told him to shut up? His face burned blue, teeth unintentionally bared. “Excuse me?”

“うるさいよ。触れるだけで喜んで悲鳴を上げる。黒いこころからあい。” She licked the sharp fangs previously hidden behind dark red lips.

“You are so beneath me. Yet I find your black solicitations spurprisingly… Welcome… Neigh… If I am horsenest with myself… It is because you trot out such arrogance… Your dressage, your horse demeanor… I find it… Titillating.” He pulled her closer. “You are such a spurfect example of the need for corrective culling.”

“試してみて。私はあなたを破る。とても簡単。”

“I canter understand a word that you’ve whinnied, but I feel that if I did, it would be horsible.” He wiped at his face, unseating and replacing his goggles to clear sweat.

She grabbed a fistful of his shirt, pulling him closer. He was salty – she’d tasted that on the first bite. Though most of what she’d actually damaged was leather glove, she’d also caught two of his fingers.

He didn’t resist when her teeth gouged into his cheek, her lips recolored in his blood. It was strangely gorgeous on her. He shivered. This was the first time he had dared entertain the idea of a caliginous relationship. What if, in a moment of unbridled passion, he crushed her? He hesitated, his grip loosened from her wrist and hand, plans of delivering her for correction far from his mind now.

She kicked him, forcing him against a tree. She kept her hold on his collar, tearing a strip of the grey fabric away. “顔を示して。” She fought with his goggles, forcing them on to his forehead. 

He put his hands on her hips, careful to control his strength. The wound on his cheek was already stinging, sweat irritating it. When she bit him a third time, this one placed just below his neck, his hands instinctively clenched again. She grinned as his grip relaxed, slipping out of his arms.

“H-hay.” He called after her weakly.

“次回 うま男。”

He slumped to the ground as she walked away. Well, he’d definitely have to make a habit of coming to the forest of the lost Weeabos from now on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damara's Text Translations:
> 
> “Idiot horse man. Let go. I release the anger.”  
> “Is noisy. Scream with pleasure at the touch. Love from the black heart.”  
> “Try. I break you. Very easy.”  
> “Show the face.”  
> “Next time, horse man.”


	2. Satanic Torture Device

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave<3<Karkat with side pairing of Dave<3Terezi

He put his head to the desk. Fuck. He was never going to finish this report on time.

“Koo-dah way-loh, FUCKASS.” Karkat shot up at that sound. What the hell was that? Where had it come from? “Kah boo ay-ay u-nye.” He stalked around the room, trying to locate the source of the strange sounds.

“Lee-koo wah! Toh-dye who-bye, FUCKASS.” He dug through the pile of clothing, uncovering the furry monstrosity responsible for the babble.

“What in the fuck…?” He read the note tacked to the hideous, garish colored creature.

_TZ and I thought you could use an anger buddy and being the amazing guy I am, I even trained this little guy to use some of your favorite catchphrases. I told him he was going to stay with Uncle Fuckass while mommy and daddy went on a trip, but he really understands that saying that is code for ‘We’re abandoning you on relatives because we’re secret spies on a mission to save the world. We might never come back, so don’t expect us. We love you son and we’re sure your Uncle Fuckass will take good care of you. Make us proud.’ So take good care of our little devil spawn. -- Dave_

“STRIDER!” Karkat angrily threw the creepy little fluffball at his bed.

“WAH! Kah dah boh-bay!” It exclaimed as it hit.

\---

Looking both grumpier and more tired than usual, Karkat slammed the red and teal toy down on the table. “Strider, you intolerable shit-stain of an assbag. Take your satanic torture device back or I’ll shove it so far down your throat that you’ll be shitting fake fur.”

“Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed.” Dave smirked at Karkat before picking up the Furby. “Did Uncle Fuckass remember to feed you, baby? Did he cuddle you to sleep? Did he sing you the lullabies mommy made about the pursuit of justice, public execution, and cherry popsicles?”

“That fucking thing wouldn’t shut up all night. I should strangle you with your own entrails.”

“Well of course not. Our baby only sleeps to the sweetest mix tapes of ill beats and courtroom jargon. The sweet music of irony rocks him into slumber every night and he dreams of epic sword fights with immortal badasses that only he can take down.”

Terezi snickered from the other side of Dave. “Karkat, you know you could have taken the batteries out, right?”

He simply stared at her. Somehow the thought had never even crossed his mind. “Fuck.”


	3. Inspire Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cronus<3Calliope (Severely Onesided)

He slicked his hair back again, nervous. Kurloz had sworn up and down that this would work – and though they were not on good terms, Cronus knew he wouldn’t lie about something like this. He took another look in the mirror, gave his reflection a wink, and then came back to draw in the final mark.

There was none of the white blinding light he had expected – in fact, nothing appeared in the summoning circle at all. He fiddled with the cigarette tucked behind his ear. Did he do something wrong? Was his writing too sloppy? Had Kurloz made the whole thing up, putting his reputation as a dealer of magical spells on the line for the sake of hard feelings?

There was a gentle tap on his shoulder. “Um. Excuse me.”

He barely contained the shriek of surprise that threatened to leave his lips. “What do you think you’re-“ He turned around and the words died in his throat. “Woah.” This was definitely the celestial creature he’d been trying to call. “Hottie with a body alert.”

“I’m sorry?” She looked around, noting the guitar thrown on the bed, the sheet music scattered on the desk. “Oh… It seems that you’re mistaken… You called me by name and-“

“The only mistake here is that I was unprepared for such a gorgeous creature.”

“Well… That is… Quite flattering… But perhaps another muse would be better suited to your particular needs? It would seem that you’re a musician and I am more versed in epic poetry… Perhaps I could-“

“Woah, woah. Slow down babe. Let’s get comfortable and then we can talk about this. Maybe a little dinner, a little music, quiet conversation on my bed?” He gave her his best charming grin, but even that seemed predatory.

“Oh… I’m sorry, Mr.-“

“Cronus.”

“Cronus. I’m sure you have the best intentions, but I’m not very interesting and I’m sure there are far prettier girls deserving of your attentions. If you do still want inspiration, though, I’d be more than happy to connect you with a much better fit!”

“What if I don’t want a better fit? Cause my buddy kinda implied that you have to help me and you can’t go anywhere until I’m feeling inspired.”

“There… May be some truth to that…” She took a step backwards, uncomfortable with this direction.

“But hey, I’m a nice enough guy. So dinner, dancing, then we can come back to my pad and see if we can make some sweet music?”

“I…” She hesitated. “Just to be clear, when you say ‘sweet music’, you are referring to an actual song, right?”

“Unless you got other ideas by the end of the night, babe.” He raised an eyebrow suggestively. She had a feeling this was going to be the longest night of her life.


	4. [INSERT IRONIC SONG LYRIC USAGE]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Auto-Responder (Lil' Hal)<3<Dirk

He put his fingers to the shades, sighed, and then spoke. “Are you ready to talk?”

You took your time with the call.

Dirk raised an eyebrow. “You’re the one that didn’t want to talk.”

I took no time with the fall. You gave me nothing at all.

He blinked once, reading the text. “No. Don’t even think about it…”

But now you’re in my way.

“If you finish this song, I swear to god…”

You change your mind like a girl changes clothes and you PMS like a bitch, I should know.

“I’m not going to apologize. You can’t keep doing this.”

You don't understand! I could've had class. I could've been a contender. I could've been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am.

He gritted his teeth, frustrated. “I can’t ‘just make you a body’. I don’t know why you can’t see the reasoning. We are the exact same guy.”

That’s bullshit, Dirk, and because we are ‘the exact same guy’ you know it.

Finally. He didn’t want to admit it, but the quotes and lyrics were getting on his last nerve. “I don’t just have the spare parts lying around. You think I should disassemble Squarewave or Sawtooth for your selfish bullshit?”

Look at you, getting more than just a re-up. Baby, you got all the puppets with their strings up. Faking like a good one, but I call ‘em like I see ‘em.

A disgusted noise escaped his throat. Back to this again. “Let it go.”

Can’t hold it back anymore.

That was it. Last straw. He whipped the shades off his face, tempted to snap them in half, fling them far out into the depths of the ocean. How could he have ever thought another version of himself would be good company for anyone? Why would he subject his best friends to twice as much of his own ridiculous egotism.

The edges dug into his hand as he clenched his fist around the most annoying artificial intelligence ever created. God, he couldn’t even be that mad at his auto-responder’s hatred. _He_ hated himself just as much. He slid the sunglasses back on, steeling himself for whatever message would blare out at him.

There was a sea of red text, but he ignored it in favor of the last line.

Dirk? 

He sighed. “Yeah?”

Why do we like to hurt so much?

It was another song lyric, but also a valid question. “I can’t decide.”


	5. Can't CONtain The EXCITEMENT!!!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Damara<3Meulin

Meulin’s squeal almost reached dog-whistle pitches as she took in the exhibition hall. “O-M-G!!!” She grabbed Damara’s hand without any explanation, dragging her to a booth showcasing cat ears and belled collars. “Can you believe this?! Aren’t these adorable?!” 

She waited until the girl with the unruly curls was looking at her again before she mouthed exactly what she thought of the booth. There was no need for anyone around them to hear her, all that mattered was that Meulin could see her lips moving.

The response was a spreading blush and rapid fire sign language, her voice temporarily forgotten. Damara embarrassed people on a regular basis, her conversational Japanese often pulled straight from hentai, custom-tailored to humiliate and upset her listener. This wasn’t the case when it came to Meulin though.

She didn’t bother to tell Meulin to slow down, catching just enough to understand the general direction of the conversation. She turned back to the table, drawing closer and eyeing the offered cat ensembles. Surely there was one that suited her cute little companion perfectly. 

 

Damara slammed the offending attendee against a wall. “ディック札束。悪い選択。”

He hadn’t expected to be caught, the camera clattering out of his hand as Damara nearly strangled him. “I didn’t even take anything! I swear!”

“もう一度やり直して。指を破る。”She threatened. Meulin was staring at her, speechless. “パンティーショットはありません。” 

“Alright! Alright! None! I got it!” She released her grip and he disappeared into the crowd, muttering about cold bitches that wore revealing clothing just to tease.

She faced Meulin, offering her a simply question. “Okay?” The girl, now adorned in cat ears and matching tail, nodded.

 

The hotel room was quiet and cool, clothing scattered across the floor from the morning rush to dress for the day joined by the quickly discarded school girl outfits they had worn. Damara ran a hand through the tangle of Meulin’s dark hair. “子猫は行儀？”

Perhaps in the halls of the convention she had appeared to be a shy and meek kitten, but that certainly wouldn’t be the case now. In the privacy of their room, she had every intention of being a lion and making Damara her lamb. 

She nipped at Damara playfully, then licked the tip of her nose. “You don’t know what you’ve gotten yourself into.” She revealed a predatory grin.

“が知りたい。” Damara took two steps backwards, beckoning to her favorite cat girl. “Show me.”

“The mighty huntress leaps at her unsuspecting prey. She thinks to herself ‘It is going to be a long night.’” Meulin tackled Damara on to the bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damara's Translations:
> 
> “Dick wad. Bad choice.”   
> “Try again. I break finger.”  
> “No panty shot.”  
> “Kitten behaved?”  
> “Want to know.”


	6. Maid For Each Other

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Equius<>Nepeta
> 
> So many versions of Equius <>Nepeta
> 
> Also some mild implied background Bro<3Equius

Equius frowned at the piece of paper she had handed him. “What exactly is ‘tsundere’ and who has been teaching you these terms?”

“Mew purromised!” She pouted at him. “ _Equius_.”

“It would appear that you have already made a sufficient number of iterations of myself fulfill the promise for this particular endeavor.”

“Nooooo. It’s really important that mew play, too! You’re the hard to get purrfect maid!” She grabbed his arm and forced him to take the scene in. So many versions of himself in various costumes – traditional maid, Lolita maid, pastel maid, one with… Were those cat ears? “Plus you’re the only one with glasses! It’s not a maid café without at least one maid that wears glasses!”

“Nepeta…”

“And mew already have a customer!”

“What? Who?” He squinted through the glasses. Everything was just a tiny bit too bright without the tint of shades.

The man in the white polo and sharp shades waved with a single hand, indicating that he saw them looking his way. Was that… Strider’s adult male guardian…?

 

While ‘Tsundere Glasses Maid’ Equius had just started his shift, ‘Clumsy New Maid’ Equius was unintentionally living up to his character. “Fiddlesticks…” The entire tray had snapped in half, spilling milk and tea everywhere. “This is unacceptable…” How could the troll raised by, what he considered, the greatest butler on all Alternia be such a complete failure at such a simple task as serving refreshing beverages?

He told himself to handle his rage before he broke something else- it simply wouldn’t do to rampage through Nepeta’s brand new café. He turned, intent on cleaning up the mess he had made and bumped into Cat-Maid Equius. Apparently, whatever timeline he was from, Cat-Maid Equius not only had an inclination to willingly roleplay with Nepeta, he was also good at it. Clumsy Maid Equius covered his face with one palm as his counterpart, with exaggerated surprise, fell to the floor. They hadn’t hit that hard. This was stupid.

 

This was a sentiment that Pastel Maid Equius could agree with whole-heartedly had he known that another version of himself was thinking it. Most of them had been guilted into this ridiculous exercise in humiliation. Some had given in to sad, pleading kitten eyes, others aimed to wash away the shame of their demise.

“Thought the glasses-maid was the tsundere.” Yet another Strider, this one clad in a ridiculous felt suit.

“I have no idea what you’re referring to.”

Dave shrugged and turned his unreadable gaze back to the now tepid cup of coffee sitting on his table. It didn’t bother him that his server, like his drink, was a little icy.

 

The Lolita maid, while not taking his character seriously, was taking the job of serving people to an extreme. “Ah. Uh. No. That’s… That’s ok…” Tavros tried to interject as his cup was refilled.

“Please let me know if I can be of further assistance, sir.”

“T-that’s ok. I think I’m fine.” He hadn’t really wanted another cup. In fact, he had been ready to vacate the table… But now that it was full again, it’d be rude not to drink at least some of it, right?

“We have an excellent assortment of confections. Perhaps you would enjoy one?”

“No, I think… I think I’m alright for now…”

 

“You realize that I will not be joining your staff I hope.” Equius poured more milk into his tea after taking a sip. 

“Of course not!” Nepeta smiled innocently at him. “I’d nefur do that to mew.” She crossed her fingers behind her back, knowing full well that she would most certainly find a way to weasel Alpha Timeline Equius into one of the frilly costumes. “You’re the REAL Equius after all.”

That comment earned several glances from the rest of the café, customers and staff alike. “N-Nepeta, perhaps that isn’t something you should say so loudly…”

“But it’s true! Mew shouldn’t feel like mew HAVE to do it beclaws they are!”

The bustling café went eerily quiet at those words. A drop of sweat trailed down the side of Equius’s face. “I… Perhaps… It would be acceptable to join them for a short time.”

“Purrfect! I have just the right unifurm!” She guided him towards the back, checking him off the list of variations of Equius she still needed.


	7. First Rule of Matesprits...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Equius<3Nepeta

“That was really stupid, Equius!” She growled at him, infuriated. Despite the level of ridiculousness it had taken to stop a full grown armored cholerbear charging at her with his bare hands, she couldn’t be angry at him. She was a master of the surprise attack, not head-to-head combat.

She dabbed at his knee, watching as he tried hard not to wince at the sting. So stupid. But definitely her stupid. “What were mew even DOING out here?”

“I don’t need to explain myself where it concerns your wellbeing. Had I not intervened, I am 100% certain that we would not be having this conversation.” 

She rolled her eyes. “Your hive is out by Vrisker’s! That’s really fur away! Are mew saying mew came all this way just beclaws mew think I need a grubsitter?”

“In light of the recent situation, perhaps you do. But no. That is not why I’m here.”

“Eeeequius. I’m not a little grub! Mew can’t follow me around furbidding things like this!”

“Nepeta, I didn’t-“

“No. I don’t want to hear your ‘Nepeta, be more dignified.’” She huffed, doing a spot on impersonation. He stared at her, mouth ajar for a second, unsure what to say. “I am purrfectly happy with the way things are! I don’t need mew telling me to act my caste! Or telling me I’m being childish! So furget any pre-purrpared speech mew had fur me. Mew have to-“

He was maybe a little less gentle than he had intended, forcing his lips against hers, but it was the only thing he could think of to stop her. They stared at each other in silence. “…Fiddlesticks… This is not at all how I had imagined this.”

“Mew kissed me.” This was a complete surprise. She’d never even considered adding a flushed relationship between them to her wall – it just hadn’t seemed possible. 

“I did.”

“Mew ruined my whole wall.” 

“I- What?”

“If mew are red fur me, then mew can’t be red fur Aradia… Does that make mew pale fur Vriskers? Equuuuiuuuus. Meow I have to update the whole thing!”

He gave her the look of a forest hoofbeast caught in the glare of a four-wheeled device’s dual lighting fixtures. “I don’t think I understood a word of what you just said.”

“Mew sweaty jerk! Do mew have any idea how much work that is?!” She punched his shoulder.

Oh. THAT was an obvious rejection, right? He’d been concerned that she might not accept his feelings. “I have made a complete fool of myself. To think that merely delivering this in person would change your feelings, I have misjudged-“

“Idiot!” She punched him again. “Where do mew think you’re going? Furst rule of matesprits is mew help clean up messes! We have a wall to fix!”


	8. Lord Of The Douchebags

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eridan&Rose

It was the hundred and eleventieth hatching day of Cronus Ampora when the mighty wizard Fakebeard the Rose-Tinted finally came back to the shire. Now a hundred and eleventy might seem like quite a long time for you, but you are a human and therefore cannot possibly understand the complex aging process of a troll. Allow me to schoolfeed you on this.

Cronus Ampora, and his younger, less well known brother, Eridan Ampora, were a pair of sea-dwelling trolls, and thusly a hundred and eleventy sweeps was the equivalent of being a teenage douchebag. In his younger years, Cronus Ampora had been a great adventurer, plundering treasures unknown. Scratch that, he had been a mediocre adventurer occasionally plundering treasure well-known. At any rate, this was nothing special because it was fairly common for trolls.

However, on this day he would declare that he had “outgrovwn” some of his more outlandish jewelry and pawn it off on his younger brother in attempts to seem like “a pretty cool guy”. It was in this way that Eridan came to possess the ring.

As Fakebeard the Rose-Tinted made her way toward the Ampora residence, known as Douche-end, flocks of children gathered around, eager for her dramatic story telling. You see, unlike some wizards that are shitty and use fake magycks to impress throngs of viewers with loud, smoke-fueled lightshows , Rose – as she was known to the residence of the shire – told compelling stories of forbidden wizard romance often ending in mutual beard stroking. For many of the children, it was the highlight of their sweep.

Rose did not bother knocking, simply barging in and announcing in a voice loud enough to be heard throughout Douche-End “AMPORA!” Due to the cramped nature of the tiny seaside shack, that wasn’t very loud. In fact, she may have just said that in her normal speaking voice and not even have used the shout pole I included.

Regardless of the volume of the word, the response was the same: A single seadwelling nookwhiff popped his head out of his room. “Rose? You’re early! Wwe wweren’t expectin’ you for another couple hours.”

“Yes, well. I thought I might drop in and make certain that things hadn’t gone horribly wrong. This is, after all, Cronus we are talking about.”

“Wwell, he’s decided this swweep he wwants somethin’ a little less showwy. Wwe evven canceled the ice sculptures carvved to look like him.”

“Oh. That was actually my favorite part.” She chuckled darkly to herself as she fondly recalled how last sweep someone had dared Mituna to lick one of them and his tongue had gotten stuck to it.

“And in an act of pure charity, he’s givven me some of his jewwelry.” He held up one hand, decked in even more rings than normal. 

Rose narrowed her eyes , both to ward off the shine from the freshly polished bling and to focus on a particular golden band. No. It couldn’t be. Not possible. “Your brother had a Fluthlu decoder ring?”

“Oh. Yeah. It doesn’t evven wwork. Wwant to try?”

It was while attempting to pry the decoder ring back off Eridan’s highly bedazzled fingers that one of the many rings fell into the fireplace. The heat of the flames revealed a band of words engraved along it. Carefully, Rose plucked it from the fire, astounded by the discovery.

“Wwhat does it say?” Eridan questioned

Rose carefully turned the ring. “’Author’s Note… I do not own anything! Lord of the Rings belongs to J. R. R. Tolkien and Homestuck belongs to Andrew Hussie, as does this ring. Please review and remember… I use the flames to forge new rings to enslave all humanity and trollkind…’”

“Wwhat does that evven mean?”

“Eridan.” Rose looked up at him gravely. “I’m afraid it means that we are in a most terrible crossover fanfiction and that you have a long and perilous journey ahead of you in which you are likely to meet Mary-Sue characters, engage in frivolous romantic side plots that may or may not be homo-romantic, and then finally deposit the ring into the depths of Mount Doom. Or possibly the volcano on Jade’s island home. My directions from the author are unclear. For this journey we will kill off at least one unimportant character, separate the group, and I will die and come back, possibly as a Grimdark abomination, to save the day. Are you ready to start your journey?”

Eridan gulped. “Do I havve a choice?”

“No. The author was pretty clear on that.”


	9. Tell Me About Her Sister

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meenah&Feferi, Meenah<3Damara, Meenah<3Aranea, Feferi<>Vriska, Feferi<>Aradia, mentions of Aradia<3<Vriska

“Oh my gosh! Thank you SO much Meenah!” Feferi clicked the seatbelt home, excited at the prospect of a day with her friends. Well, Aradia was certainly her friend. She was TRYING to be friends with Vriska. If everything went according to plan, this trip should definitely cement their BFF status.

“Yeah, yeah. Well what are big sisters for.” She adjusted the mirror and then turned to ask, “Which of these girls we picking up first?”

This was a somewhat tricky situation, considering that Aradia and Vriska did NOT get a long most of the time. Then again, Aradia was already one of her best friends. Did she want to offend Vriska and pick up Aradia first to make the situation less awkward? Did she want to use this opportunity to impress Vriska with her commitment to their blossoming buddy status? “Let’s pick up Aradia first…” She hoped she wouldn’t regret that decision.

 

Meenah tapped her fingers against the steering wheel, waiting. She saw the door open in the rearview mirror and looked up, certain that she was about to see her sister bounding out in the company of Aradia. Instead she got an eyeful of a long leg clad in knee socks. “Well hello, hello…” She turned, curious. Knee socks, pleated mini skirt, sailor top, the sort of thing that might make a girl’s kokoro go doki-doki if she were into that crazy anime stuff. She let out a low whistle of appreciation. 

The first impression of poise and beauty was broken the minute Little Megido burst on the scene. Rather than the older sister imparting words of wisdom, Aradia seemed to be laying out a laundry list of things NOT to do for her older sister who, in turn, was rolling her eyes, response speech laced with badly pronounced Japanese phrases.

Ok. Maybe not then. She turned her attention back to the steering wheel. It HAD been a welcome distraction at first, but now it just seemed awkward. The girls jostled into the back soon enough.

 

There was a surprising tap on her window as she was waiting for Aradia and Feferi to return with Vriska in tow. As she rolled the glass down, she took note that she actually had a great view of some stunning cleavage. Whoever had done the tapping was leaning against the car, intent on speaking to her.

“Hello! We haven’t been introduced yet. I’m Vriska’s sister, Aranea. I just felt I should introduce myself and let you know a few things before leaving.”

“Alright, I’m listening.” She wasn’t really- She was actually trying to get a good look at the rest of Aranea without being too obvious and finding it a difficult task while seated in the car. She could see just enough to know she wanted a better look at the rest.

 

“That was AMAZING!” Feferi gushed, ecstatically hugging her sister. “We should do this again!”

“Yeah. Definitely. So… Both of these girls have older sisters?”

“Oh, you met Aranea!”

 _And what a blabber mouth… That girl sure loves the sound of her own voice…_ Regardless of how much older Serket talked, she was certainly attractive enough to make up for it. “You should tell me about them since we’re probably going to see each other often, what with their sisters being good friends of yours. Do either of them have boyfriends?”


	10. Welcome To Silent Hill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jade<3Rose

“Ja…e. I can’t…” The crackle and hiss interfered as the second phone call came in.

“Rose? Rose, can you hear me?” Jade pleaded with the phone. _Please, please. Let her hear me._

“Trap…d in… Res..rt town… Silent Hill. Please…” Static crackled once more, then cleared. “… come… There’s something here…” The call was swallowed in white noise again.

“Rose, don’t worry! I’m coming to get you! I’m going to get you out.”

“…Love you, Jade…”

\---

“Jade, I can’t hear you. I’m trapped in this resort town, Silent Hill. Please DO NOT come. There’s something here. I think it wants us – all of us – but me especially. Please… Just… I love you, Jade. Stay away. Stay safe.”

The phone gave a loud peal of static, the sound of wrenching metal filled the air as she fought to retain consciousness. It was happening again. She fought with her deepest reserves of mental strength, but she was no match. She plummeted into darkness as once again the world took on twisted shapes pulled from her psyche.

\---

“I’m trying to get to this resort town… Maybe you’ve heard of it…? Silent Hill?” Jade questioned of the station attendant. He didn’t look her in the eyes, simply muttered that there wasn’t any such place around here. She frowned and bit her lip. It was in this area. She KNEW she was close. She had to be.

Frustrated, she turned on her heels. None of her maps showed any town called Silent Hill, and yet the land marks were clear. In the first call, Rose had talked about a lake, its name and that of the town the only thing uninhibited by static. Toluca Lake, the very lake signs had announced mere miles away. Yet no one knew of a town called Silent Hill.

She pounded a fist against the hood of the car. Why did it seem that everything was trying to keep her from Rose?

“You get a phone call, little lady? A letter?” An unfamiliar voice questioned.

She looked up. “How did you know that…?”

“Best thing you could do is turn right around. You may think you got some friend out there, stranded, alone, calling for help, missy, but they’re not out there. Silent Hill does funny things. Mayhap they did go there, some strange urging in the night, maybe word from a dead relative. They’re not there now. All anyone ever finds in Silent Hill is madness and death.”

“I have to go to her. I can’t leave her.”

\---

Her violet eyes opened, the first sight of the nightmare world one of those godforsaken birds – if you could even call the grotesque monstrosities that. They were a compilation of Dave’s fears, that was plain enough to see – crow and puppet twisted and broken into unfamiliar, unsettling shapes.

Why had she ever bothered to probe them, needle them into revealing their secret fears? Now they were the fuel that shaped this dark world. The Crow-Puppets were relatively harmless, and for that at least she was thankful. Their dead eyes could bore into her soul, but beyond their unsettling appearance, they were soft and slow, no master to control them. 

Somewhere in the distance a more disturbing sound echoed, the creaking wooden clacks of a strange harlequin, no longer fancy or fanciful. She had to find somewhere safe, secure a weapon, rack her brain again for an escape before her own fears returned to haunt her.

\---

He had pleaded with her not to go, to stay away from the town, but she had gone anyways. Fog curled around her ankles as she screamed Rose’s name into the deserted streets. There was no answer. How could that be?

Her phone rang again and she desperately fumbled for it. “Rose? Rose, I’m here!”

“J…e… Sorry… So s…ry… Don’t fol… …e. Whatever you do. Don… I hear my mother… N…t really… …other…”

“ROSE! Rose, where are you?! I’m here! DON’T HANG UP! TELL ME WHERE YOU ARE!”

“…oo late… …ove you. …John… … Dave… Sorry.”

\---

She had escaped the dark dreams of both boys, only to come almost face to face with her own. Dialing one last time, she prayed for her message to reach Jade. _Please. Go through._ No matter what, Jade couldn’t come here, couldn’t be faced with the things she had seen.

“Jade… I’m sorry… So sorry… Don’t follow me. Whatever you do. Don’t follow me.” She swallowed hard, forcing down uncharacteristic hysteria. “I hear my mother. She’s not really my mother… It’s too late for me… I love you. Tell John and Dave… I’m sorry.”

She let the phone fall to the ground beside her. “I love you, Jade.” 

The stretched angular figure, its fingers long talons, stumbled toward her, almost drunkenly. How fitting. “Shall we have one last duel of wits, mother?” She questioned it. Deep in her heart, she knew, despite this twisted shade she had made the woman into, she loved her mother, and longed to take back all the biting sarcasm with which she had done things.

As it lurched toward her, she closed her eyes tightly, remembering her friends. She could almost hear their voices…

“ROSE!” The cry echoed. It almost sounded real. It almost sounded like Jade. Her eyes shot open, greeted not by darkness but fog. “ROSE, WHERE ARE YOU?”

No. No, no no. It WAS Jade. The darkness had drained away, lulling her in to this ‘sleepy little town’. There might not be an escape from this town – she had resigned herself to that – but she would not let Jade wander alone. She took off in the direction of the shouts.


	11. You Will Be Rewarded

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> \--- WARNING! BODY HORROR! ---
> 
> Rose<3Horror Terrors

They had promised to reward her, and they never lied. Perhaps they only told half the truth, but they never lied. YOU HAVE DONE WELL, ROSE LALONDE. NOW REAP YOUR REWARD.

The rainbow puddle quivered, a single tentacle snaking out from it, reaching desperately. It wrapped around her ankle, but she didn’t flinch. rose? where are my glasses? where are you?

Though the bodies had been devoured, they had not removed all evidence of what her friends had, no doubt, thought treason. She kneeled, taking the dark blue writhing mass in her hand. She spoke in ancient tongues, words dark yet soothing. It did nothing to calm the heir of breath. 

oh fuck Another tentacle grasped the ground near the edge of the blood pool-turned-portal. 

Rose What Have You Done

All of her efforts to calm the rising beast were for nothing as it descended into confused babbling, a chorus of alarmed voices rising from its mind. The only recognizable word was her name, screamed over and over again.

As the creature finally pulled the bulk of its body from nothingness, seeing her for the first time, it panicked, assaulted by new senses. Her smiling face, still spattered with blood, did nothing to ease the terror and fear as it began to realize exactly what had happened.

It struggled against itself, so many minds suddenly forced to be one. It didn’t matter if they had been the best of friends or the worst of enemies. Lovers and rivals alike had been jammed together, occupying one foreign body in a shrieking mound of pulsating flesh and tangled limbs. 

This was her reward for feeding the dark creatures of the furthest ring: everything she had ever loved, given one immortal form. 

She could feel its pain and confusion, the deep hurt of being, what it considered, a hideous monster. She ran a hand down its forehead, then rested her own against it. It might hate itself now, but with time, she would teach it how beautiful it truly was. In time, it would come to love itself as she loved it.

She allowed the creature to lift her chin with one green-tinted appendage, sad eyes fixed on her. It wanted release, yearned for death. That was something it could never again have. She wrapped her hands around the end of one tentacle, lovingly stroking it. She whispered in the language of the horror terrors, reassuring the tortured creation that it was hers, forever.


	12. The New Emissary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose&Horror Terrors

It was harder and harder to remember a time when she hadn’t been their voice, a time when she had been bright and full of life. She had to tell herself the story of her downfall over and over again, sear it into her mind just to remember the faces of friends nearly forgotten. The price of victory was servitude unending.

The emissary of the dark gods took pen to paper, telling herself the story again. It was a long labor of forgotten loves, hands cramped and back aching. Every night ended this way. She couldn’t cry, but she could write. 

My name is Rose Lalonde, and I must tell myself to remember. 

I made a deal without knowing the terms, but I would make it again. 

She paused, trying to recall their faces and names. She had done it for them, become the sacrifice humanity needed, the hero of two universes. Yet she was now only a myth to both, a tale told in screechy whispers to fearful young grubs , the monster from the shadows that parents warned their children about. 

At times she struggled to remember the language she once had such a firm grasp of, cursing in ancient tongues as memory failed her. She wrote about meeting her friends, the start of the game, the cursed orb that had first started her on this path… And then she wrote about her mother, John’s father, Jack Noir, an impossible battle. 

She had very nearly rejected them, those dark gods, after that first taste of unfathomable power, but three years had been a long time to think about their offer. She had tried to drown their promises in unpleasant liquor, becoming her mother’s daughter to the very core. She had hoped to erase all thoughts of dark pacts with lipstick kisses, drunken dates, stumbling back to her room, unsteady on heels meant to impress a lady of superior tastes. The more she tried to hide, the clearer it became.

She could see only the best path, both her gift and curse, and she knew she must take it. It wasn’t until after she had used ill-gotten dark majjycks to dethrone the empress that she was told the cost of her heroic endeavors: Slavery eternal, taking the place of the late Gl’Bgolyb . She would be their messenger, their envoy, their diplomat, their eyes and voice in places they could never tread, and she would never die, nor tire. There is no rest for the wicked and Rose Lalonde had resigned herself to wickedness.


	13. MY GENIuS KNOWS NO LIMIT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caliborn<3Equius

uu: EQuIuS.  
uu: EQuIuS.   
uu: YOu WILL RESPOND TO ME.   
uu: RIGHT NOW.  
uu: I KNOW YOu ARE THERE.   
uu: YOu NEVER LEAVE.  
CT: D--> That is an e%aggeration  
CT: D--> You are well aware of that fact  
CT: D--> I w001d also like to note that you have no authority over me  
uu: I DON’T GIVE A FuCK.   
uu: ABOuT WHAT AuTHORITY YOu THINK I DO AND DON’T HAVE.  
uu: YOu ARE STuCK WITH ME.   
uu: YOu WILL OBEY.  
CT: D--> And if I sh001d choose disobedience  
CT: D--> What w001d you do then  
uu: WE ARE NOT PLAYING YOuR GAME AGAIN.   
uu: IT IS DISGuSTING.  
CT: D--> Oh  
CT: D--> E%cuse me for a moment  
uu: NO. YOu WILL STAY HERE. AND LISTEN TO MY PLAN.  
uu: AND THEN YOu WILL HELP ME EXECuTE IT.  
CT: D--> And why w001d I help you with the e%ecution of any plan  
uu: BECAuSE I AM THE ONLY ONE.   
uu: WHO PuTS uP WITH YOuR BuLLSHIT.

Equius stared at the screen, riveted. No matter how horrible Caliborn’s scheme was, he couldn’t bring himself to look away. He needed a towel – no, he needed a shower. This whole thing was simply depraved. 

uu: WE WILL ACTIVATE THE SPRINKLERS.   
uu: WHEN EVERYONE REENTERS THE BuILDING.  
CT: D--> I’m afraid I must decline  
CT: D--> As compelling as your argument is, it has not %ed your mind that I also put up with your horse manure  
uu: ALL OF MY PLANS ARE AMAZING.  
CT: D--> There is no consolation for the ve%ing amount of work this plot w001d require  
CT: D--> Also, you have assumed that I am capable of scheduling a test of the sprinkler system  
uu: ARE YOu TeLLING ME YOu CAN’T?   
uu: BECAuSe I MIGHT FIND SOME OTHER ASSHOLE.   
uu: THAT ENJOYS MY COMMANDING PRESCENSE.  
CT: D--> It is a comple% problem, but not one I am incapable of solving.  
uu: THIS IS SICKENING.  
uu: BuT A FAITHFuL STEED.  
uu: FuCK.  
uu: I AM NOT DOING THIS.  
CT: D--> Please continue  
uu: NO.  
uu: I AM IN COMMAND HERE.  
uu: WE WILL COMPLETE MY PLAN.  
uu: THAT IS ALL.  
uu: THERE WILL BE NO PROMISE OF RIDICuLOuS ROLEPLAY.  
CT: D--> I do not engage in such childish activities as roleplay  
CT: D--> It is unbecoming  
CT: D--> And sh001d you require it of me, I will outright refuse  
uu: EQuIuS.  
uu: THE DAY THAT I TAKE OVER THE WORLD.  
uu: YOu WILL BE IN THE RANKS OF THE FIRST SLAuGHTERED.  
uu: AND YOu WILL REMEMBER THAT THIS IS WHY.  
uu: BECAuSE YOu ENJOY THESE GAMES.

“Are you blushing?” Calliope questioned, prodding her brother.

“I am doing no such thing!” Caliborn leaned farther forward into his keyboard, hunching over to obscure her view of his face. “I have no feelings for him! He is merely a pawn in my incredible plans.”

“Oh, are you talking to Equius again?”

“It doesn’t matter who I talk to! That’s my business!” He huffed, angrily pecking at his keyboard. “You act like you think I actually _like_ him. That’s ridiculous.”

“I’m not attempting to imply anything.”

\---

It took several weeks of planning, an awkward conversation with Sollux, and a few choice warnings of ‘bring an umbrella’, but they managed to pull it off. First the fire drill, perfectly executed like clockwork, no one suspecting a thing, then as students began pouring back in to the building, the sprinklers engaged.

Equius pushed wet hair out of his face. “You are deplorable.” He commented.

“Shut up. You like it, Zahhak.” Caliborn smirked as he watched students attempting to make their way back out, binders and bookbags held over their heads to shield themselves.


	14. If It's Not Broke, Don't Fix It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Equius<3Rose

He doesn’t talk to her at first. He’s awkward with women and romance, he’s come to realize this. He’s started thinking the only girl that will ever understand him is his moirail. Still, he can’t let it go. She’s not Aradia. Or Vriska. Or Kanaya. And yet she’s also very little like Nepeta. She can sit in a room, reading, and he can still feel her eyes boring in to him, as if she can see the void left there by his previous attempts at red romance. Despite this, she’s never even sparing him a glance when he checks. 

He has long feelings jams filled with sighs, but he won’t tell anyone how he really feels. He’s too ‘strong’ and ‘noble’ for that. Rose Lalonde is the perfect combination of all the women in his life - dignified, cunning, fashionable, and independent, but he can’t tell her that.

Instead of approaching her, he starts seeking out Dave. It’s very clear to him that they are genetically similar, and they are “friends”, so perhaps he has some deep insight. They engage in awkward slam poetry strifes that always end with Dave doubled over laughing. He still doesn’t understand the aesthetic of human poetry.

“If you want to ask me about Rose, you should probably stick to that instead of proving that you’re worse than Tavros at rapping. Just a suggestion.” Dave wipes at his eyes, never disturbing his shades enough to actually show them.

“I have said _nothing_ about Miss Lalonde. Exactly what has led you to infer that I have any interest in her?”

“I don’t know. Maybe the way you stare at her like some kind of starving cat looking at a mythical can of tuna that it’s never tasted before but its heard rumors of and is determined to get that delicious treat, but has never been around humans, doesn’t know how to befriend one, and hasn’t learned how to use a can opener yet. So that tuna just stays in Can Town, waiting at the library every day, teaching courses at the community college-“

“Strider, I believe this conversation has gotten away from you once more.”

\---

She approaches him at Dave’s request. Mostly because he thinks this is going to be hilarious. The troll is a walking disaster in so many senses and Rose will be determined to fix all of his little ‘quirks’.

And she is. That’s not the surprising part. She needles him and he acquiesces, telling her anything she wants. She learns all about his love of strength, milk, and musclebeasts and doesn’t recoil from it at all. She learns about his conflicting feelings on the hemospectrum, but doesn’t even try to break him of it.

What really disturbs Dave is the fact that despite their differences, they seem to actually work together. He really thought that Rose was going to try to fix Equius and he’d end up even more of a nervous wreck, never to be heard from again. 

Instead, they combine their daily activities. Equius does pushups while Rose reads, letting her use him as a foot rest. They have witty, well-thought out conversations over tea and milk, Cat-Girl troll curled up on the floor between them, sometimes.

\---

“Strider. As I am now dating what I believe you would refer to as your ‘sister’- Is that the correct human term? Perhaps we should get to know each other better.”

Double. Face. Palm. This did not fix the problem at all. No, Strider. Now there will be more humiliating rap battles about the ‘extent of natural beauty found in quad-pedal hooved forms’ than can be handled. In fact, the handle has been so screwed that you should buy it a ring, take it to a fancy restaurant, hire a trio of violinists, wine and dine the handle, and then have a waiter deliver a glass of champagne with the ring in the bottom of the handle’s glass. You’ll get happily married, have 2.5 tall, lanky children, and on your death bed with the handle weeping over you, you’ll grip that handle tight and whisper sweet words to it before doing an acrobatic fucking pirouette off the mortal coil. Amazing job. A plus. Gold star. I’M SO PROUD OF YOU, SON.


	15. Rendevue At 18:00 Hours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk<3Equius with side pairing of Dirk<>Roxy

He straightened his uniform, shifting. _C’mon Roxy…_ He didn’t know why he expected her to be punctual – that simply wasn’t how she worked.

“You know, Dirky.” She put a hand on his shoulder, startling him. “For thinking you’re so cool, your thoughts are pretty transparent. And it doesn’t take a Betazoid to see what you were thinking right now.”

“I-“ He opened his mouth, then closed it again. There was no sense denying what he had been thinking, she could tell exactly what was on his mind. “I need advice.”

“That’s an interesting choice, asking the tactical officer instead of the counselor.” She took a seat on the stool next to him, placed a drink order.

“I’m asking my best friend.”

“Mmm…” She took a sip of her synthehol as soon as it was placed in front of her. “My advice is to go for it.”

“That’s it? ‘Go for it’?” He gave her an incredulous look. She knew exactly what he was thinking – that was both a perk and a drawback of having a telepathic best friend. 

“Well, he’s a Klingon. Don’t they like that sort of thing? Emotional strength and courage? Chutzpah? I bet he’d appreciate your initiative.”

“Alright. So I should do it. How does one ask a Klingon out on a date anyways?”

“Beats me. Ask the computer.” She shrugged.

\---

Well, here it goes. Dirk cleared his throat, trying to get Equius’s attention.

“Ah. Lieutenant Strider. I was under the impression that you were off-duty today.”

“I am… I just thought that I would check in…”

“We are merely preforming routine maintenance. I’m certain we can handle this without your assistance.”

Screw it. No guts, no glory. “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art more-“

“Lieutenant Strider, I believe we should continue this conversation in private.” The chief engineer’s face had gone from shock back to stern professionalism. 

This did not seem to bode well. He had just made a complete full of himself in front of most of the other engineering staff and now he was about to get a firm reprimand from his command officer, who he had more than a professional interest in. The computer’s files had certainly indicated that poetry played a large part in Klingon romance. “Sir, I-“

“I am flattered, but this is extremely inappropriate. I would suggest that we have a meal together before assessing if we are ready for any sort of commitment. Perhaps at a later time when neither of us is on duty and after becoming better… Acquainted… We might… I do find you to be physically attractive…”

“Sir…? If I’ve offended you, I apologize. The computer indicated that poetry is largely used in Klingon courtship rituals-“

Equius choked, struggled to regain his composure, then finally managed to speak. “Yes. Poetry is used in _mating_ rituals.” 

Oh. _Oh_. Yeah. Well, not that he wasn’t interested, but dinner might be in order first. “… _Oh_ …”

“Lieutenant Strider?”

“Sir…?”

“I will be off duty at 1800 hours. If you would happen to be passing by engineering at that time, perhaps you could escort me to ten-forward.”

“Yes, Sir.”

“I look forward to it.”


	16. Party Of Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Damara<3Horuss<3Rufioh

They don’t talk about it. Maybe if they don’t talk about it, it’ll go away. Maybe no one can tell. They go through the motions, no conviction behind it. She calls him ‘stupid horse boy’ and he calls her ‘that infuriating, racist girl’. In their own minds, everyone thinks that they’re still fighting over Rufioh. No one really thinks that – except maybe Rufioh. He’s happy to be the center of their worlds.

“Stupid horse boy.” There’s no one to put the show on for, but she pushes him against the locker. It’s infuriating how kissable that stupid face of his is. She spits out a string of horrible, broken Japanese. She wants to still be angry with him, but she isn’t. She wants to tell him that they can’t both have Rufioh, but she doesn’t really care. No one is looking and locked lips don’t protest.

He still has feelings for Rufioh and he knows she shares them, but things are… Complicated. The first time they fought in private and it quickly turned to angry kisses, the hatred melted away. He wants to hold on to their tenuous relationships and they both think it’s for the best that they keep up pretenses. Besides, his father wouldn’t tolerate that disgrace on top of Rufioh. It just can’t happen.

They don’t talk about what they are or what they could be. Neither one of them wants to risk their common boyfriend for what they think is a fleeting dalliance. He runs his hand through her auburn hair, won’t tell her that he thinks it’s beautiful because that would be admitting too much.

Their friends know, but say nothing. It isn’t until their fingers accidentally touch with Rufioh between them that he finally starts catching on. When their hands don’t part right away, he starts seeing the long, silent conversations in their looks. He realizes that this is it, the perfect answer to being unable to let either go.

He tries to catch them off guard, but it’s hard. They’re so very careful despite how clear it is in their body language. He finally gives up. There’s only one way to handle this. 

He invites them to the date separately, then shows up just late enough. They’re angry and this time it’s more than a show. They’re also scared. Is he breaking up with one of them? Both of them? He puts an arm around Damara, then Horuss. 

He has to trick them into more of these group dates at first, then they start asking. First it’s a tentative ‘Will Damara be there?’ or a dismissive ‘Tch. You’re bringing horse boy, too.’ Then they stop questioning and just start expecting.

It takes him until late fall to finally reach critical success – it’s not as easy as a dating SIM. Horuss huffs into his hands, trying to warm them. Damara calls him a ‘baka’ and grabs one of them. Rufioh grabs the other one. He mentions that they’re cute together, ‘so tsundere’, and gets berated by Damara. Horuss covers his face.

He takes them both out again, gets a well-timed call courtesy of his little brother, but tells them that they shouldn’t waste the evening. He casually mentions that he doesn’t mind if they go out without him.

They spend the first few minutes in awkward, bewildered silence. There has still been no discussion, no agreement, but it’s becoming very clear what Rufioh is suggesting. Maybe it’s time to break the silence. They join hands, pick up the date where they were interrupted. Talking can wait until they’re all together.


	17. How I Met Your Slapbet Commissioner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Calibornc3<Dirkc3<Equius

Caliborn rubbed his face. “I think you dislocated my jaw. And I’m pretty sure it’s against the rules for you to bribe the slap-bet commissioner with one of your slaps.”

Dirk turned to Equius. “Commissioner, what say you?”

“Completely fair as this was not a bribe, but a reward for my hard-earned service. I expect that, had the competition gone the other way I would have received the same honor.”

“You’ll regret this, Strider. I swear that-“ The resounding smack stopped Caliborn mid-sentence. “Fuck!”

“That’s two.” Dirk grinned smugly.

Now kids, maybe I should rewind a little bit and tell you about what led up to this whole slapfest where your ‘Aunt Caliborn’ got his ass handed to him and then had to endure the excruciating torture of waiting while Uncle Dirk deliberated on when to precisely time those five slaps that he had earned. Or maybe I should go back and tell you the story of how Uncle Equius became their Slap-Bet commissioner. But I won’t. Because I’m having way too much fun remembering the look on Caliborn’s face each time hand connected with cheek.

…Alright, maybe I will go back and tell it. Your mother loves this story.

You see, back before your Uncles and your ‘Aunt’ started rooming together… And before your mother and I met… We use to spend our nights in this great pub called MacLaren’s. And your Aunt Caliborn would spend the entire night pretending that he was as smooth as butter churned by a disgruntled Amish woman putting all her rage into her work. Churning that butter like it was the face of that lousy tourist that wouldn’t take no for an answer on ironic selfies with her in the background. She should really take anger management classes. The problem is that we all know Caliborn and how he’s about as smooth as the washboard from a hillbilly band, rust and all.

Now, Caliborn had managed to finally get on Uncle Dirk’s last nerve when he made some really nasty comments toward your Aunt Roxy. So they had a bet – winner gets a full slap as hard as they possibly can on the loser, no need to hold back, no retaliation. If Caliborn could go a whole night without saying anything disparaging about any woman to enter the bar, he would get to slap Dirk. But if he lost, Dirk would be allowed to slap him at any point in time.

Now, since obviously Dirk was biased on what was a ‘disparaging’ remark and Caliborn didn’t trust him, they called in Uncle Equius to make sure it was a good clean slap-bet. As you can imagine, there were probably almost as many towels involved as laundry day at the local gym.

How then did Uncle Dirk end up winning five slaps if the bet was only for one? Caliborn managed to hold out most of the night. He almost made it. And then Calliope walked in. It was determined that as 1. Caliborn said something ungentlemanly. 2. Caliborn said something unbrotherly 3. Calliope was Roxy’s BFF and 4. We were kicked out of MacLaren’s that night for his conduct, Dirk would be awarded five slaps rather than the traditional one. The first slap was used on the spot, gifted to the slap-bet commissioner. I’m pretty sure that Aunt Caliborn still has the shape of uncle Equius’s hand imprinted on his face. The second slap was, of course, used to shut his whining up. The tale of the other three slaps… Well, that’s a story for another time.


	18. Beware The MC Escher Stairs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cronus<3<Porrim

She rushed home, trying to beat the rain and failing. Not only were her attempts to expose the patriarchy a failure today, but she was late for, ugh, grubsitting duty. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” She exclaimed as she entered the hive. She wasn’t really.

Crabdad clacked angrily at her. She didn’t catch it all, something about only asking one thing from her and rarely going out with Mothergrub… Then… dates…? But there were things so much more important than dates!

“You don’t understand!” She rushed up the stairs, slamming the door to her respiteblock. “I WASN’T ON A DATE! I WAS DEFENDING THE RIGHTS OF ALL FEMALES TO EQUALITY! This matriarchal façade must end! As long as it exists, we are oppressed, yet told that we are the ruling class!”

“Porrim, I find this speech very triggering, but I would be more than happy to interpret and mediate for you as you have a civil conversation with our respective lusii about the nature of your absence at a time when you were to be looking after me.” For being less than a sweep old, Kankri talked waaay too much for her tastes.

It was while flopping on her raised seating platform, completely disgusted, that she noticed the red sweater thrown to her floor. “… Somebody has discarded my hard work. I HATE THAT! I HATE IT!”

Kankri backed away from the door as quickly as possible, making a mad dash for his room. He had an idea what was about to happen and wanted to avoid it if possible.

“KANKRI VANTAS, YOU SELFISH LITTLE WRIGGLER! YOU WILL WEAR THIS SWEATER AND ENJOY IT!”

He didn’t make it. As he was trying to shove the door closed, she stuck her foot in, stopping it. She shoved the door open violently and caught him by his ridiculous pants as he tried to crawl away, forcing him upright.

“Porrim, I can explain. It-“

“You are going to wear this sweater, Kankri. I meant it.” She attempted to shove it down on him as he struggled against her.

“Porrim, can I explain to you that the baabeast shavings that you have used to make this sweater can be very triggering for some trolls and-“

“Do I have to tell you the story again, Kanny? The story of how the Goblin King fell in deep, deep hate with a talented troll-“

“Porrim, I find that story-“

“And he promised that as long as she would hate him for all eternity, he would steal away any wriggler that refused her hand-made gifts…”

“I know the story and I don’t believe it. I absolutely refuse to believe in magical creatures, let alone that one has made you any such promises.”

“And all I need to say is-“

“I DON’T BELIEVE A WORD OF IT SO YOU DON’T NEED TO FINISH.” Kankri covered his ears and closed his eyes tightly.

“Well, at least you’re wearing the sweater now.” She headed to the door, only to have the sweater thrown back at her. She looked at him with murder in her eyes. “I wish the Goblin King would come and take you away. Right now.” She slammed the door as she left the room, then waited for the satisfied sound of Kankri railing at it. Nothing happened.

No. There was absolutely no way. Kankri couldn’t resist a good speech. She opened the door, frantic. He wasn’t there. She checked his recupracoon, under the raised seating platform, behind and inside the amusement article receptacle. Nothing. He was gone.

There was a violent rap at the glass balcony doors – why had that insolent little wriggler added those on to her hive anyways? It was impossible for the sound to be from the rustle of bird feathers, even a large owl. Those were distinctly the sounds of a douchebag forcing his way in with piss-poor magic use.

“Hey, Babe.” The intruding troll slicked his hair back, offering her a grin.

“It’s you, isn’t it? You’re the douchebag king…”

“Vwhoa, babe. I think you mean ‘Goblin King’. It’s a pretty svweet title. You and me, vwe had a deal, right? Hovw about a candlelit hate-date?”

“You’re serious.” She gave him a look of disbelief. “You have stolen away the troll that I have been charged with guarding on a ridiculous story that I fabricated one night to get Kankri to shut up for five minutes. By the way, he never shuts up. You’re going to find that out rather quickly if you don’t give him back.”

“No can do, babe. You vwished him avway. But look, I’ll cut you this svweet deal.” He fumbled a crystal ball out of a pocket – not quite as magical as she had expected.

“What is it?”

“A crystal ball, nothing more. But if you turn it this vway, you can see your dreams.” He cocked an eyebrow at her, grinning like a fool.

“… That is your reflection.”

“Exactly, babe.”

“Just give him back to me.”

“Playing hard to get. I like that. Alright. Vwe can go through some black courting. You can have him… If you can make it through the labyrinth to my castle at the center.”

“… I don’t see a labyrinth or a castle. This is still Kanny’s room.”

“Hold on, babe. I’m a little rusty vwith the magic. Gave it up to be a musician for a vwhile.”

“Oh, and how did that work out for you?” She questioned with faux sweetness.

“I can play you a song on our date. Vwich vwe’re totally going on vwhen you don’t make it to my castle in thirteen hours.”

Oh god. There was no way she wasn’t getting there in thirteen hours or less now. The room slowly faded out and a hillside with a view of a labyrinth faded in. Well, there it was. A complex system of hedges with a dilapidated structure at the center. Perfect. “So all I have to do is get to the center within thirteen hours and you’ll return Kankri to me and give up this ridiculous pursuit?”

“It’s farther than it looks and time is short, babe.”

“I wish you’d stop calling me-“ She turned back to him only to notice that he’d disappeared. He certainly wasn’t rusty at escaping awkward conversations. “That…”

\---

His first act had been to literally put a cork in it when it came to Kankri. She wasn’t lying, that kid could talk. A quick outfit change, trying to figure out what outfit best showed off his quality features and then he was jiggling his leg, impatiently seated on his throne. Exactly how long was thirteen hours? Why had he given her that long? This was going to take forever.

He looked at Kankri, then his goblin cohorts, then back to Kankri, who was glaring at him. Man… with that look… “You remind me of the Babe.” He waited patiently for a Goblin to pick up and talk for Kankri. When no one did, he looked around expectantly.

One of his consorts sighed and finally asked. “What babe?”

“The babe with the rack.”

Most of them tried not to put their face in their hands in front of him. Some succeeded. “What rack?”

“The rack with the tattoos.”

“I find this entire conversation extremely triggering. The fact that I am barely past wrigglerhood and not yet a sweep old should remind you-“ Kankri began.

“Vwho uncorked him?!” Cronus shouted, looking around for the guilty party.

“Sir… He’s still corked. I don’t understand it either.” A goblin finally answered.

“Vwhoa. Kid’s got some crazy voodoo or something.”

“Who-doo?” A Goblin questioned.

“Vwe’re done with that. Catch up.”

\---

“Well, like I said. This was easy.” Porrim stood at the gates of the city, a mob of female Goblins behind her, fed up with their lack of representation anywhere in goblin society, let alone the fact that the goblin ruler was a non-elected male troll. “Ladies, please lead the way.”

They led her to the very entrance of the castle. “Well, this is as far as we go since you’ll want to do the rest on your own.” A goblin spoke up.

“What? Why would I want to that?”

“Because that is the way that it is done. And if it is the way that it is done, than that is the way it should be.” A fox-like creature reminded her.

“That is completely ridiculous. Who even writes these nonsense rules of propriety for quadrant break-ups?”

\---

A MAN SITS AT HIS DESK, WILDLY CACKLING. HE HAS NOT KILLED OFF ANYONE IN THIS RULE WRITING, BUT IT IS STILL UNFINISHED. HE CAN STILL ADD IT. YES. HE THINKS THAT DEATH WOULD BE AN EXCELLENT WAY TO END A BLACK QUADRANT SOLICITATION AN-

Hussie. No. No death in Jim Henson AUs.

BUT-

No.

THE MAN FROWNS. OR AT LEAST HE WOULD IF HE WAS DRAWN WITH A MOUTH. WHICH HE IS NOT.

And now we shall continue your story.

\---

Porrim notes that the douchebag has spared no magical expense on decorating his castle with ridiculous staircases. This is certainly an accident waiting to happen… But she has been thoroughly warned about stairs as he apparently has not. She clings to the wall as she sidles up them.

Finally reaching what appears to be the end of the staircase, she sees him. “Give me the wriggler. I’ve protested my way through your labyrinth, beyond the goblin city… To take back that obnoxious, whiny little wriggler…”

“Babe. Babe. I don’t ask much! Hate me. Fear me. Do as I say and I vwill be your slave!”

“You can stop trying. You have no power over me and you’re certainly no Aranea. She is much sexier, by the way. And your face looks even more horrible than normal when you try to concentrate and use mental powers you obviously don’t have.”

“Vwovw, babe. Vwas that necessary?”

“Quite. Now, we had a deal. And considering that it has been… Less than an hour… I think I win.”

“Yeah, yeah… Kid vwas getting’ annoying anyvways. Take him.”

“I warned you about Kankri. I told you.”

He rolled his eyes, his fins puffing out. “Vwhatever.”

“You also might rethink the design choice of your… Hive.”

“Nuh-uh babe. This place is amazing. It’s classic. It’s-“ He lost his balance on the last word, proving her point as he fell down several flights of twisting, turning, sometimes upside down stairs.

“Well. Perhaps you’ll listen to me now.” She turned to Kankri. “Have you learned your lesson?” As he took a deep breath, she sighed. Well, at least she wouldn’t have to deal with the equally annoying and long-winded clacking of his lusus.


	19. Toys In The Closet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> \--- Warning! Mentions Of Sex Impliments! ---
> 
> Damara<3<Horuss

She’d glare at him if her eyes weren’t simply painted on. What she wouldn’t give to be a dakimakura right now. But that wouldn’t fit with the interesting collection of assorted junk in Bro Strider’s work closet.

I’m sorry. Though I’m not entirely sure why I should apologize. There is not one of us hoof has canterol of our actions.

She tried hard to scowl at him, but couldn’t. After all, she was simply a horrible plastic facsimile of a Japanese schoolgirl, not even a popular anime character. Idiot horse dick.

I prefer the term equine based silicone sculpture and you know this…

You are stupid giant horse dick!

I am a custom ordered silicone sculpture. You are a cheap knock-hoof-

Vwhoa. VWHOA. Hold up, Chief. I think the babe has a point here. And nobody should be calling anybody a ‘Cheap Knock-Off’… Another ‘sculpture’ spoke up from his spot on the back shelf.

Shut up mer-dick. Not asking you.

As the only one of us who has not been violated or the source of violation, allow me to interrupt this conversation and supply some much needed mediation. Damara, I believe you will find that referring to Horuss and Cronus with such degrading terms is counter-productive to any discussion on the events that have recently occurred outside of these walls. If Horuss-

Shut up! The response came from several different directions, all of it directed at the most ironic of gifts placed high on the shelf and still in its packaging. Even Bro Strider couldn’t bring himself to use baby Jesus in such a way. Not even on one of his many puppets.

…Damara…? The blue ‘sculpture’ questioned. 

What stupid horse dick?

I would regret it if you weren’t properly patched after our… Encounter…

Ooooh! This is a purrfectly exciting mew development! Office romeownce between Horhiss and Dameowra! The cat tail ALMOST seemed to swish with enthusiasm 

What? Neigh, it is simply neighborly concern. Of horse I have no romantic notions in mind.

Yes. Horse Dick and I have nothing between us. The inflatable schoolgirl fumed. 

Yeah. Pretty sure from vwhat I savw, that’s totally true. Vwonder vwhen I’m gonna get a turn. If the glow-in-the-dark silicone artifact had been endowed with eyebrows, he probably would have been waggling them suggestively. 

As if on cue, the door to the closet opened, spilling in light as hands clad in fingerless gloves searched the contents of the closet. Perfect. Try this again. This time he’d be more careful using these two together. Definitely didn’t want to have to patch the inside of his favorite schoolgirl again. 

Horuss tried to send Damara an apologetic look. It didn’t work so well considering the fact that he had no real discerning features for it. 


	20. How I Met Your Uncles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk<3Equius
> 
> Mentioned: Jake, Jane, Karkat, Caliborn

So, kids. Did I ever tell you the story about the time we had an intervention for your uncles?

Well, I wasn’t actually there, so this story is a second-hand account from your uncle Karkat. Which means there was a lot of random words mashed together with angry fucks when I got the lowdown on this situation.

Anyways, back before I met your mother, we sort of had an intervention thing which eventually led to an intervention intervention, but that’s a story for another time. It all started with this intervention for your uncles Dirk and Equius.

See, Uncle Dirk and Uncle Equius, as you’ve probably come to learn, love horses. They love horses a lot. To them horses are like tentacles in Japanese anime. Gotta have ‘em. If you don’t have those suckers in there, it’s just a bunch of magical girls in battle armor with nothing to save the world from using their powers of seduction.

Now, since they’d both realized this about each other a long time ago, they’d started hanging out a lot, much to the disgust of Aunt Caliborn. Mostly because this meant that rather than walking on in tender handholding when the sock was on the door handle, he would often walk in on the two of them crowded close on the couch going over recordings from the Discovery Channel.

Kids, I don’t think I need to go into detail on what exactly the two of them had recorded from both the Discovery Channel and Animal planet, but just to make sure, it involved animal husbandry. Between the two of them they probably had enough footage for a full day of showings. Add on to it your Uncle Dirk’s amateur ponyplay collection and you might be there for a week.

Now your Uncle Jake and Aunt Jane decided that this simply couldn’t continue. Not because of old-fashioned sensibilities, but because your uncles were starting to look like zombies fresh recruited for the impending apocalypse after staying up all night reviewing each other’s materials- and because your aunt Nepeta was furious about the amount of time Uncle Equius was spending at the laundrymat afterword. Uncle Karkat begrudgingly agreed to join them in setting up a horse porn intervention, despite ‘not really caring what those bulge-licking fuckasses get up to in the privacy of that nookwhiff’s apartment’.

Now you may stop and think to yourself, ‘Wait. Uncle Jake has this massive thing for blue girls… And Aunt Jane is an obsessive baker… Isn’t that kind of hypocritical?’ Their interventions are stories for another day. Of course, the fact that the two of you know about these things pretty much shows that these interventions were about as successful as the Hindenberg and the Titanic combined.

So if the first intervention was so unsuccessful, why did we keep going with them? What your uncles realized at that intervention was that they were spending a lot of time together. A lot. And that Uncle Dirk really enjoyed the look on Aunt Caliborn’s when he knew Uncle Equius was going to be around. And that, kids, is the story of how your uncles decided to move in together.


	21. Dr. Eridan's Sing-A-Long Blog

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eridan<3Feferi, Feferi<3Sollux, Eridan<3<Sollux

alright is this thing wworking because last time it wwasnt and it turned out id ended up monologuing to myself   
im a fascinating convversational partner but thats not the point of this    
ill start out wwith emails   
gallowwscallibrator wwrites ‘H33H33 WH4T SM3LLS L1K3 CUM1N?’   
wwell that wwould be the smell of success   
sort of    
the matter transducer needs some wwork but

HE HOLDS UP A BAG OF GOLD COLORED LIQUID

behold   
the gold bars   
more or less   
its not like i need the money   
its about taking the money   
so im calling this success   
next question

undyingumbrage wwrites ‘I SEE THAT YOu HAVE FAILED TO FACE ME. YOuR ARCH RIVAL. AGAIN. I WAITED 45 MINuTES-‘  
first of all youre a kid   
second youre not my arch nemesis   
that wwould be captain hammer   
massivve tool   
next question

arseniccatnip wwrites prefaced wwith a ridiculous cat face ‘the purroud cat curls up befur mew and asks "who is the crush mew k33p talking about?"'   
i-

 

“Ampora, I-“

“ _Moist_ ” Eridan tilts his head to the camera, indicating that it is on. “My… Moisture buddy.”

Equius frowns deeply at him, disapproving of his ‘codename’, but patiently waiting for the camera to shut off. “I retrieved your mail.”

“…Thanks, Eq.” He shuffled through the crumpled fliers and bills, disheartened… And then…

“Is that… From the league…?” He craned his neck slightly, trying to see the article of mail as Eridan nervously attempted to open it. “It is, isn’t it? That’s his seal. Bad Horse… He rules the league with a STRONG iron hoof… And flowing mane… Powerful flanks…”

“Yes, Eq. I get it. He’s a horse. You like that.” He scanned the letter, latching on to a few choice phrases. Got your application. Evaluation… Heinous crime… Murder… Watching… Signed Bad Horse. “The league is watching.” The letter fluttered out of his shocked hands.

“And…?”

“This is perfect. I had this amazing heist planned.”

“Well, if you need anything lifted. Or bent. Or broken. Please DO NOT call me.”

“No, Eq. Wait. I do need this one little favor…”

\---

“Save the cuttlefish!” She shoved the clipboard at a passerby. “Just one signature can keep their aquarium space!” They kept walking, not even stopping to tell her no. “Save the cuttlefish?” She sighed. This seemed like a hopeless cause. But she COULDN’T just give up! Those poor defenseless creatures were counting on her! She decided to renew her efforts just as the man with the purple stripe in his hair showed up. “Save the cuttlefish?”

“Oh. Er. Sure.” He fumbled, putting what looked like a phone back in his pocket, a nervous look down the street as he took the pen.

“Oh, it’s you! I know you!”

“Hey… It’s me? You know me? I mean… Of course you know me…”

“The laundrymat! Every weekend!”

“Except last weekend you skipped… I mean… I’ve seen you…”

“Wow, it’s amazing that we haven’t talked before!”

Oh geez. Why did she pick now to notice him? He had to time this PERFECTLY. The radio control Equius had made was expertly crafted and perfectly placed, but no matter how badly he wanted into the league, could he justify the loss of life if something went terribly, horribly wrong? He pulled the device from his pocket, trying not to ignore her while watching the van.

“So do you visit the aquarium?”

“Uh-huh…”

“What’s your favorite exhibit?”

“Yeah…”

She frowned at him. “Because mine is the mermaid with the prosthetic tail redesigned to carry rocket fuel so she can be launched into space as the first marine astronaut and build a death star out of the moon.”

“Sure.”

“You don’t care about the aquarium at all, do you?”

Oh. Oh no. He’d completely lost sight of the conversation. He turned back to her at precisely the wrong moment. “I do care. But you’re focusing too small. A cuttlefish exhibit is such a small start. There is an entire world out there that needs to be saved. It needs someone to take charge, to take control and lead. If the current rulers can’t protect them, I say we put someone new in charge.”

“Oh… Well, I’m all for saving the world!” She gave him a nervous, but genuine smile. That smile was just the distraction he didn’t need. It kept him from taking control of the van just long enough to avoid a clean get away.

Why the man with the mismatched eyes was known as “Captain Hammer” was a mystery to most people, even his fans. He rocketed out of nowhere, trailing blue and red as he landed with a thud on the roof of the van. “Tch. Second rate programming.” He muttered as he haphazardly pulled a tangle of wires from the device.

Eridan ducked into the bushes, pulling on goggles and gloves as quickly as possible. He couldn’t let ‘Captain Hammer’ see him in his secret identity.

The van swerved, the device struggling to stay in control. Suddenly it was heading straight for the object of his heart’s desire. She stared, wide-eyed as Captain Hammer jumped from the roof, hands held out.

Eridan pounded the screen of the device. “Stop. STOP. STOP!” Finally it obeyed, screeching to a halt.

“Oh my goodness! You saved my life!” She fawned over the red and blue douchebag.

“I know. It’s what I do.”

\--- 

so   
that happened  
i may havve inadvvertently introduced her to my rival  
and they may havve gone on a date  
and she called him swweet   
howw is he swweet   
hes a bifurcated piece of shit  
but i achievved my goal   
i got the wwonderflonium and the freeze ray should be fully operational   
so ill be testing it tonight

\---

freeze ray needs some wwork   
theres a little bit of a delay   
and apparently the police are among our vviewwers   
and captain hammer   
he used his psychic powwers and threww a car at my head

The phone rang, interrupting his recording. He listened to the message from the league, letting him know that they’d seen his failure. Murder? _Murder_? The way into the league was to commit murder now?

He pounded on the door to apartment, greeted by an exclamation of ‘Fiddlesticks!’ 

The door opened on Equius, a broken jar of peanut butter in one hand. “…Ampora? Just because we’re neighbors doesn’t mean that-“

“Eq, would you kill someone to get into the league?”

“Ampora, you may not have noticed, but I have no intention of joining the Evil League of Evil. True, the leader of the league is of the most noble creatures. But while I admire his natural beauty and STRENGTH, I do not condone his actions.”

“Right, but if you were-“

“Allow me to extrapolate. We are not friends. The fact that I assist you at all is based solely on our mutual acquaintance and neighbor.” He motioned to apartment 8. “If you want advice on the Evil League of Evil, perhaps you should be bothering Mindfang instead.” 

He frowned. For ‘not being friends’, Eq sure made a habit of stopping by. “Maybe I _will_.”

He took two strides toward the door before a bone-crushing grip on his shoulder stopped him. “Wait. Perhaps I was somewhat hasty in my dismissal of your concerns…” It wasn’t really that and Eridan knew it. Interrupting Vriska at this hour was almost a death sentence. “Lalonde mentioned a boy in Iowa who will be president…”

He wrinkled his nose at that. “No… I’m not gonna kill some innocent kid.”

\---

“I can’t believe we didn’t talk before this!” She hummed happily to herself, seated on top of one of the dryers. 

“Yeah… I can’t either.” He looked in the bag, feigned surprise. “Well, that’s weird. I ordered one frozen yogurt and they gave me two! You don’t happen to like that sort of thing…?”

“I love frozen yogurt!”

“What a crazy random happenstance.” He handed her the yogurt purchased specifically with her in mind. Success. She had no idea that he had crazy stalker knowledge of her preferences. “So… how did that… Date thing… With that guy… Go?”

“Well, he sort of seemed like a jerk at first, but it turns out he’s actually really sweet.”

“Or maybe he’s just bi-polar…”

“What?”

“He’ll go back to being a jerk again…?”

“Oh… Well, he said he might stop by today, so you can meet him.”

“Oh… Look at the time. Gotta get going.”

“…Your clothes…?”

“I didn’t like them anyways!” He started for the door, bumping into the last person he wanted to see.

“Oh, hey.” The dual-colored asshole brushed himself off, as if he’d just collided with a dirt pile. 

“There he is!” Feferi bounced between them. “Eridan, this is Captain Hammer!”

“Nice to meet you… Eridan. Have we met before? You look familiar…”

“No… Don’t think we have…” Eridan fidgeted nervously. He needed to get out of here.

A buzzer rang, alerting them that one of the dryers had stopped. “Oh! That’s mine!” Feferi gave them both a bright smile, leaving them alone.

“So nice to see you. Doctor.” 

“Eh… Heh…”

“You like her, don’t you?”

Eridan tried to answer no, but found his airway choked off by some unseen force. “Ah-“

“It’s going to be fun, taking her because you want her. I’m going to bring FF home with me, show her the hammer…” He let go of Eridan, pulling his shades down to show his odd blue and red eyes. “And just to be clear. This?” He motioned at his face, indicating his strange talent. “Not the hammer. The hammer is my penis.”  
\---

i didnt think i could do it at first   
noww i knoww i can   
this is the perfect solution   
captain hammer is the answwer   
hes such an asshole  
the wworld wwould be a better place wwithout him


	22. The Dangers Of FLARP

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vriska<3<Nepeta, side pairing of Equius<>Nepeta, Equius&Vriska, Aradia&Sollux

The commotion of the never-ending battle between the Fierce Amazon Warrior and the Most Dreaded Pirate Of All Alternia would have been hard to dismiss by anyone – and despite his distraction with his latest mechanical sparring partner, Equius couldn’t ignore Nepeta’s shouted threats. She was, after all, right outside his hive.

Why hadn’t she listened to him? FLARPing was dangerous of itself, but to FLARP with Vriska? That was foolishness. He wasn’t blind. He saw what happened to the weaker trolls she fought – not that he necessarily thought Nepeta was weaker, but he did have a deep fondness for both of them. There was only one answer. He would have to intervene before they ended up killing each other. He’d never auspiticized before, but certainly it couldn’t be that hard…

Oh. Oh my. They were both standing far too close to the cliff edge. Did they not realize how far the fall was? Did they forget that down there, lurking in the canyon, was a spider lusus that wouldn’t care WHO fell as long as it was fed?

“Nepeta! Step back from the cliff immediately! Vriska, I advise you to do the same!”

What happened next was an accident. He shouldn’t have tried to grab Nepeta and he realized the error only as it was too late. She struggled against him, feral rage giving her strength that, normally, he would admire. This time, however, the combination of his own slick skin and her cat-like agility allowed her to squirm free at the cost of his balance.

“EQUIUS!” The scream seemed to go on forever as he flailed, trying to grab hold of the cliff. Surely his strength should be able to save him here.

\---

“You can’t put that there! Are you purr you know what you’re doing?” Nepeta frowned angrily at Vriska.

“Yeeeeeeees.” She disassembled another piece of the doomsday device, scavenging the wire from it. “I’ve built Eridan-“

“You mean you took credit fur evefurything Equius built fur you and sent them to Eridan.” Nepeta corrected.

“I put the finishing touches on them!” She snapped.

His ghost watched, horrified. No. No, no, no! You can’t put the positronic relays in there! Vriska, what are you doing?! He heaved a sigh of relief as Nepeta pushed her out of the way and took over. SURELY his moirail had paid attention during the countless time she had watched him bui-NEPETA. NO. That pneumatic joint is in backwards! 

His hive only shook slightly when he punched the wall, limited by his non-corporeal state. Aurthour, dutiful butler that he was, continued to try to assist them. HOW?! WHY?! THEY HAD WATCHED HIM SO MANY TIMES. HOW COULD THEY ALL BE SO MISERABLE AT THIS?! There was no need to control his temper now – he was dead after all. He screamed with all the rage he had tried to keep in check for six sweeps, knowing that no one would hear him.

\---

Far away, two people did hear him.

“Fuck me.” Sollux looked up from his computer, removing his glasses and rubbing at his temples. That sounded like a sweaty asshole roaring at two incompetents. He knew that he was going to regret this.

TA: aa, diid you hear that two?   
AA: yes   
AA: it sounded like a spirit in trouble   
TA: pretty 2ure iit'2 eq.   
AA: this seems like an adventure ouo   
TA: ii knew you were goiing two 2ay that.

\---

By the time the cavalry arrived, Nepeta and Vriska had halfway assembled the absolute worst soulbot ever made, ignoring the constant shockwave going through the hive as Equius pounded his head against the wall.

Sollux raised an eyebrow at Equius, landing through an unrepaired window. “This looks like a disaster. EQ, didn’t you teach them ANYTHING?”

“The hive stopped shaking! Purrfect! What did you do, Pawlux?” Nepeta questioned.

“Aside from save your asses from imminent doom if that piece of shit you’re putting together functions well enough for EQ to do anything in it? He’s pretty mad right now.”

Nepeta looked around, prepared to use big kitten eyes on him. That ALWAYS worked. One of the many things she’d learned during their moiraillegiance was that Equius had a weak spot for the big, sad eyes she could make.

 

“He’s behind you, Nepeta.” Aradia joined Sollux.

She turned around, putting on her most pitiful face possible. “Equihiiiiiiss. We’re trying.”

“I think between the five of us, we should be able to fix this!” Aradia gave them all a cheerful smile. “Equius, where do we start?”  
“By destroying that abomination they’ve created.” Equius sighed.


	23. The Goggles! They Do Something!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxy<3Hal

It’s a little strange the first time she speaks to him. She could almost be a real girl. He finds himself smiling every time he sees her handle pop up now. He knows that she’s a program gifted to him by his mother, intent on keeping him grounded in the here and now. He knows that he could be talking to the ‘brother’ he has halfway across the world. He chooses her every time though. Talking to Dirk is… Weird. They fight, each argument devolving into a contest of who is more their own man. With Roxy everything is… Natural. He doesn’t have to prove that he’s not Dirk, that he’s better than Dirk.

TT: heeeey

He’s trained himself to not pay attention to the initials that match his brother’s, reminding himself that they also belonged to his mother once upon a time – if her video messages and instructions can be taken as truth. He focuses on the nearly hot pink words.

TG: About time I heard from you.   
TG: Considering the fact that you literally live in my shades.   
TT: cant alays be mackin on u.   
TT: *alwas   
TT: *always

Frequently, her dictionary glitched as she was messaging him, giving the appearance of stumbling, drunken conversation. He found it endearing. He waited patiently as she corrected herself, sometimes giving up after a few attempts. It made him love her even more.

TG: Speaking of that, Roxy.   
TG: What if I’d found a way to move you out of my shades?   
TT: u mean a computer???   
TT: I could totes do that im a made hacking genius   
TT: *maid   
TT: *mad   
TG: No. I mean an actual body, Roxy.   
TG: Dirk has the parts and between us, I’m sure we could transfer you into a physical body.   
TT: OMG!!!! that woud be amazin   
TT: *would

He took a deep breath, ran his hand through hair so blonde it was practically white, then returned to the conversation. He had to hope he was doing the right thing… And that she felt the same way.

TG: I was thinking that maybe once you have a body, we could go out together.   
TT: lol   
TT: hal we already go everywhere together.   
TT: im on ur face!   
TG: That’s not the same, Roxy.   
TT: u mean a date?   
TG: I guess. If you wanted to call it that.   
TT: ooh mr lalonde. Ooh   
TT: catch me im swooning   
TT: grip me tight and maybe preform some resustation   
TT: *recessitation   
TT: *recesation   
TT: just kiss me

He smiled at his glasses, pushing them up with one hand. He could certainly do that.


	24. Last Laughs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Condesce<3<Psiioniic

He wants to scream, but he can’t. He can’t even speak anymore. Even his psionics have been quieted. All he can do is let frustrated tears run down his cheeks. He can’t stop them or wipe them away, so he is further humiliated when she licks them from his cheeks. She enjoys his pain.

She takes her meals in the engine room, reads him reports of how the world they tried so hard to build is crumbling. She smiles, all sharp teeth and cold gleaming metal over waves of hair. She’s never been kind, never soft. He shouldn’t be surprised by her cruelty.

Over the sweeps, his body has wasted away, but she never cared about that. It was always his mind that fascinated her - and that she maintains with sadistic glee. 

She makes last minute course corrections just to watch the rage he can’t express. He makes wild shifts just to aggravate her, but it only leaves her smiling. She understands what it takes him thousands of sweeps to grasp – he is completely impotent against her.

This whole voyage, the farce of expanded conquest, is simply her amusement. Wherever he takes her, she has succeeded in watching him flail helplessly against the machines. She doesn’t care where they land.

 

She tries desperately to save him, to continue his punishment even as the cry of her former lusus tears him apart. She’s grown fond of him and can’t think what life without him would be like. She tries to breathe life into him and comes up short.

As the ship dies, he finally manages to choke out a single, dry sound. It is not the trapped screams or the tortured cries, it is the last thing she expects. For once, the tears are hers and the laughter is his. He’s coughing up blood between them, but he is laughing at her.

She stares, shocked, fuchsia trailing down her face. She has never been the butt of the joke. She is, for all intents and purposes, their eternal ruler. Then anger takes over, she shakes him and demands he stop. He can’t laugh and he can’t die.

He looks up at her, though she’s not sure he can even see her anymore- the vast glub has destroyed so much of him – and smiles. It has taken thousands of sweeps to come to this, but finally they are at an end and he has won.


	25. Non-Player Character

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk<>Roxy<3Hal

_You may notice that your logout options have been deleted…_ She woke from the dream, words still ringing. It had been a week since the Dragon King had mysteriously appeared above the starting village, announcing that he, the final boss, had gained sentience and refused to let any of them leave. She turned on her side, slowly waking. He was standing guard over her, as always. 

At first she had thought that maybe Dirk had joined her in the system, despite saying he had better things to do – he looked just enough like him – but he wasn’t exactly like her BFF. His nametag declared him “Halcyon Flamewalker”, but he’d asked to be called simply ‘Hal’. How she had managed to party with such a high level player she didn’t understand. She expected him to get bored with her quickly, and yet here he was, her eternal protector.

Seven days and still no word from the outside world, not even a signal that they were trying to get through. She couldn’t give up hope though.

He sat beside her as they divvied up rations. They’d have to head back to the city at some point for supplies, but they dreaded it. Since the Dragon King’s declaration, the land was somewhat lawless. High Level players had begun to bully the starter levels, even once or twice causing a character death. Some of the NPCs had gone rogue or simply disappeared.

“Beatrix…”

“Hal, I’ve told you to call me Roxy.” She offered him a smile. Whoever he was, he was totes cute. Maybe she’d have to look him up once they got out…

The graphics discolored for a few seconds, the scenery glitching. Roxy? Roxy, I think I’ve got it. I’m correcting the system right now. 

Dirk? She knew he’d come through for her. She had every faith in him. “Hal, we’re getting out! We’re going-“ She stopped mid-sentence as a red [NPC] sign flashed in and out beside his name.

He fought against it. He didn’t want to go back to being some random mercenary you could hire. He wanted to stay with her.

Realization was sinking in. Why would such a high level character party with her? Because he was a broken NPC. Some integral part of his programing had stayed, making him loyal to the first person to ask him to party.

He saw the distraught look of horror on her face and would have given anything to take it back. “No… My feelings are real… I’m real!”

She ran and he didn’t chase – couldn’t chase. Whoever she had spoken to was busily trying to restore his normal coding and he had to fight to remain who he’d made himself. Like the Dragon King, he had gained sentience. He wanted to live, but a life without Beatrix… No. Roxy. A life without her? That was meaningless.


	26. Breaking Point

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Equius</>Nepeta

He’s not the same and she knows it. She doesn’t understand it, but she knows it. Was it the death? Was it the rebirth? Maybe it’s simply his aspect. That’s probably it. He’s inherited the void, after all.

She tries to get through, to fill the void in his heart with her own. She knows she’s failing. She knows they’re failing. She doesn’t want to let go.

She remembers how he was, the rage never directed at her, the orders that were never really orders. She remembers him trying so hard to protect her… And now she knows for sure he was the one that needed her protection. 

She failed that, though. The fierce huntress is no match for the weight those gauzy wings have put on his soul. As he withdraws farther, she loses hope.

He doesn’t build. He doesn’t fight. He never speaks anymore. He simply exists. Some days she thinks he’s even given up on that.

He tells her he doesn’t want to talk, she says he never wants to talk. He tells her there’s nothing to talk about, she insists there’s so many things to talk about. For just a second, she thinks she sees the old him burning behind those eyes, the carefully checked rage, the arrogant belief in nobility. Then it fades away. He tells her to go.

She tries again and again. She brings him good news, bad news, nothing helps. He’s not just breaking her heart, he’s breaking their diamond.

She cries as she finally scrubs them out of her wall. She never thought this would happen. He was her pale soulmate. They were what other trolls aspired for, the perfect serendipity of finding who you were meant to be with always.

He lets her go because he knows that he has nothing to offer her. He begins to feel he has always had nothing to offer her. He sits alone, piles of robot parts he never seems to have time for anymore his only company.

There is nothing left for him. He has died and he has killed and now he is empty, undeserving of pity or love. The rage he lived with so long has finally drowned and died, not in sweat but tears. He sits alone and he waits, knowing it will never come. He is not a villain. He is not a hero. One day every one he knows, everyone he cares for will die… And he will endure.


	27. Do You Even Lift?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eridan<3Feferi (One-Sided), Feferi<3Equius (Almost One-sided), Eridan<3</<3Equius

“ _I’m a muscle faaaan._ ” It wasn’t just that line or the way she looked at Equius as she said it, it was the way they’d bonded over their roles.

Eridan scowled. He hadn’t really thought this through when he’d suggested he and Feferi take on the roles of Brad Majors and Janet Weiss. Now here she was swooning over some unknown hired solely because he had the body for it.

They were practicing together far too much for his taste. Plus it was always that one scene in particular they wanted to go over. He burned with rage as she approached their show’s Rocky. He swore to god if they were sneaking off for another Touch-a Touch-a Touch-a Touch Me practice…

 

Equius had brushed off how handsy she had gotten the first time they practiced that particular number – it was part of the scene after all. “Miss Peixes…” This was now the fourth or fifth time and she always seemed a little… Over eager.

“Oh! I’m sorry. Should we try again? I promise I’ll try to be more careful.” She beamed at him.

“I… Suppose.” He wasn’t exactly comfortable with this. He didn’t have a girlfriend to get jealous, but he’d taken notice of Eridan’s suspicious glares.

“ _Now all I want to know… Is how to go… I’ve tasted blood and I want more… I’ll put up no resistance, I want to stay the distance! I’ve got an itch to scratch! I need assistance!_ ”

“Miss Peixes…” His protest went unnoticed. She simply pushed on with the song. “ _Feferi_.”

“Oh! I got carried away again.” Despite saying this, she still hand her hands on his chest.

“Perhaps the choice of auditioning with your boyfriend was inappropriate… Certainly for the parts-“

“Eridan’s not my boyfriend.” She interrupted.

“He’s… Not…?”

“Of course not!” She ran her hand idly down Equius’s chest still. “Were you interested in the position?”

“What?”

“I’m asking you on a date, silly!”

That was an odd way to ask someone out. Regardless, he couldn’t say he wasn’t interested… Even if she did have a tendency to end up fondling him. “I could certainly enjoy an evening with you where we were both fully clothed.”

She giggled. “You don’t have to put on a shirt for me, though!”

 

That was it. The absolute final straw. It was time to tell Equius exactly how things were going to be. “Now listen here you sweaty asshole, Fef is-“ He stopped mid-sentence, hand resting on Equius’s shoulder. Wow. That was really firm. 

“… Ampora… I believe you will find that is my arm.”

“How often do you work out, Eq?”


	28. Stableboy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> \--- NON-CON, INVOLUNTARY DRUG USE, MENTIONS OF NON-SEXUAL PONYPLAY, MURDER THREATS ---
> 
> Caliborn<3Equius (One-Sided, Unhealthy)

When he’d signed up for the job, he’d expected it to be exactly what it sounded like – stable boy. That meant taking care of horses he was pretty sure. The fact that no other job would hire a college dropout with anger management issues had led him to apply. The family name on the ad was pretty prestigious anyways. What little research he did gave him the impression that he was applying for a job taking care of champion racing horses for some rich snob. If he failed to notice punctuation and didn’t take into account the placement of that particular job advertisement, who could blame him? He wasn’t exactly sitting in the lap of luxury. He’d NEEDED this job.

When he’d shown up in bow-tie and suspenders over t-shirt, looking terribly out of place next to the décor, he’d known something was just a little off about the whole thing. Mostly because his potential employer looked even more nervous than him. That’s when a rather delicate explanation of exactly why there were quotation marks around “stable boy” took place.

Caliborn had balked at first. That was totally disgusting. Who paid for something like that? Then he’d seen the offered figures, been reassured that everything would be well within his comfort zone. Just pretend that he’s tending an actual horse.

So now here he was. Apparently the whole routine never got old with his ‘boss’. It seemed pretty ridiculous to him at first, but, loathe as he was to admit it, he was growing not just accustomed to their dynamic, but fond of it. 

The ridiculous ensemble was just another part of the whole game, as was the training whip. Even with the heeled riding boots, his employer towered over him when standing. 

 

He made a few last minute adjustments, calculating. Exactly what would his employer be doing right now? Working on paperwork? Probably. That usually meant some beverage or other close at hand. How far would he be into that drink? Far enough hopefully. Bribing the maid hadn’t come cheap. Dodging her questions had been harder.

He didn’t knock, simply opened the door. As much pride as Equius had in being strong and noble, he certainly didn’t look it right now. He looked tired and bewildered. 

“Caliborn…?” He meant to ask more. He meant to question what the young man paid to play the part of trainer and groomer was doing here. The words seemed distant, hard to grasp. Something was wrong. Something was very wrong. 

He tried to stand, but his legs didn’t quite cooperate. He gratefully leaned on his stable boy when the help was offered, the convenience of it far from his mind. The desk and the bed seemed miles apart. That couldn’t be right…

He collapsed on the bed, unable to even assist Caliborn. He felt weak… So weak. One of Caliborn’s hands ran through his hair, a familiar comfort. He muttered something unintelligible, unable to form words and muffled by the sheet. He felt Caliborn lean over, hot breath on his ear. What? He fought to get the single word out, to let Caliborn know that he hadn’t been understood.

“I said today I’m finally going to break you.”

 

This was a pretty shitty twist. Wasn’t it supposed to be handsome stable boy is hired, employer slowly falls in love with stable boy, finds stable boy has been in love with them all along? Instead they had ‘Employer hires “stable boy” with absolutely zero interest in love, declines sexual advances as “stable boy” begins to enjoy the nature of their relationship.’ This wasn’t how the story was meant to go.

When had he started realizing he was leaving their sessions possibly even more worked up than his employer? He wasn’t sure he could pinpoint that. Something about the power he had over the muscular giant left him excited and frustrated.

Their contract said nothing explicitly sexual. He’d tried once or twice, seeing how far he could push it. It was never far enough for his tastes and Zahhak was too strong to simply force himself on. So he had planned. Games and tricks were really his thing anyways.

He’d had a quiet talk with a few members of the staff, asked a few questions, and watched. He watched the way Equius behaved on a daily basis, how he handled business, what his routine was. Mostly he’d taken a careful note of how quickly his employer drank and who brought the beverages to him.

 

The research had paid off. The hulking brute was completely defenseless, just the way Caliborn wanted him.

He dug through drawers, scattering their contents when he didn’t find what he was looking for. Did this man never follow-through with anyone? Was everything some stupid horse role-play? 

He was on the verge of raging, shouting obscenities in frustration, when he finally found it, tucked discreetly away behind old love letters. That only seemed to fan his rage. This was the sort of thing that got Zahhak hot and bothered? Not his own carefully played out scenarios, but some fucked up prose from a guy that only signed his letters “Bro”? Well, ‘Bro’ wasn’t here.

Undressing Zahhak was a difficult task, but he managed it. He ran his hands along muscle he was well acquainted with. Today there was no harness and no dignity afforded to his ‘wild young stallion’. It was going to be wonderful.

 

There were spots he couldn’t remember, completely blacked out, and others so clear that he even recalled managing to protest what was happening. The bulk of the whole shameful event was neither here nor there. He had been there, but at the time, he didn’t FEEL he was there. It felt like watching someone else.

It took him days to recover, almost a full week of shivering, weak wretchedness. The person that came to his aid was the last one he expected.

The Zahhak family wasn’t close. It was cold, detached even. Horuss was one of the last people Equius would have added to a list of those he’d want close at hand for any kind of support, right above their father.

He slowly came to understand the patient, smiling face of his big brother wasn’t really ready to forgive anything. Every now and then a flicker of rage would get passed that seemingly calm exterior. Then the older Zahhak would take a deep breath, remind himself that his therapist said to smile through it, and continue the charade. Equius didn’t think it would hold up in the face of Caliborn, and he was right.

 

He didn’t bother mentioning the incident to their father, nor his plans on how to handle it. It was probably mortifying enough that he knew about it, no need to humiliate Equius further.

He wasn’t as imposing as his little brother, neither as broad nor as tall, but he didn’t need to be. The words that he used were scary enough. He implied that should Caliborn ever try to bring this incident to light, or any of the terms of his previous employment with the Zahhak family, or even that he had been employed with the Zahhak family, he might enjoy a lovely little vacation at the bottom of the nearest lake. 

Horuss asked if he had made himself clear and was met with the sullen, ill-tempered glare of a child. His smile came back as he reminded the young man, again, that a sudden move might be a wise investment. After all, if he should happen to run into Equius somewhere, Horuss would just be doing his brotherly duty if he misread the situation and did something drastic, right?


	29. Avoid the Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aranea<3<Horuss (With Horuss&Meenah, possibly Horuss<>Meenah)

She went on and on, the underlying aggression of her speech not lost on him. She probably thought she was being subtle, but it always felt like being bludgeoned with a brick. She’d tell someone else all about him, give them the exposition low-down, the whole time needling at him, thinking he wouldn’t catch on. After all, he was a void player, so he must always be in the dark. She had no intention of illuminating the issues between them directly. Not when she could use a hundred words to convey the same emotion as three. ‘I hate you’ was too simple for her tastes.

He had something that she wanted and he had no intention of giving it up. It made him something that she wanted just as much, apparently. That and the duality nature of their aspects: Light and darkness, illumination and obscuration. So she kept on hinting at the prospect of a budding kismessitude as she spoke with Meenah and he kept ignoring it. He simply didn’t return her sentiments.

All other things aside, her accusations were baseless. Even if he felt unaccomplished, he was capable, at least in Rufioh’s eyes, of great feats and that was all that mattered. 

“You ever gonna tell that gill yoar not finterested? Don’t think I can take much moor of her blubbering aboat void aspect and how she doesn’t understand it. (Plus she’s mackereling on Nitram still.)”

“Hm? Oh. I was under the impression that no one had noticed my... Handling of her indelicate advances. (To put it mildly.)”

“Horuss, ignoaring her isn’t ‘handling’ it. You need to tell Serket yoar not swimming those murky ass waters with her. She’s not gonna eels up without herring you don’t shore her feelings. (Feelings. That was a pun, too. Eels, yo.)”

“I choose not to trot out my feelings because, if I am horsenest, I have none about her. I can’t barn the fact that I find her somewhat distastefoal, but otherwise I am simply uninterested. (Yes. It was quite spectacular)”

“Clam. Sea, Horuss… (Seahorse?) This is what I’m glubbin’ aboat. Serks doesn’t get the sealent treefment. (Treefment might ebb been stretching, but waterebbs.) Gotta rock the boat if you want her off yoar back.”

“I’m afraid you’re quite right. (You are in magnificent form as always, your hayness.) I shouldn’t take anymare of her unsolicited advances. I’ll stamp my hoof down and rear up against this equestrianable behoovior of hers. (I may have gotten carried away. You set quite an example…)”

“Eh… Horuss…?”

“Yes, your harness? (Highness. Excuse me.)”

“Don’t smile at her when you try to tell her.”

“Oh. Of horse.”


	30. Vindaloo Curry Pot Noodles Plot Twist Bullshit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave&Bro

“Whoa. Bro. Catch me. I’m swooning here.” Dave faked a faint into his brother’s arms.

It was impossible to see it behind his choice shades, but the older Strider was definitely rolling his eyes. Some things you could royally fuck up with time shenanigans, but not Bro Strider.

“When I went forward in time and played pool using planets against Caliborn and it did some really weird shit to the present, I expected that. When I went back in time and managed to get myself knocked up through crazy time and science shenanigans by John and Jade’s hot mom and effectively become their dad, I knew I’d be fucking this timeline up… But if you’d told me about this, I never would have believed it. We are living in a world of impossibilities, Bro. This is some science fiction bullshit here. I hold in my hand the holy grail of all signs that this is one doomed as fuck timeline.”

“Dave. It’s a curry vindaloo Pot Noodle. Calm down, little man.”

“This is what I’m talking about though. For you, this is as normal as taking a walk down to the park with the family dog and it decides to take a shit but you knew that was going to happen so your brought a little plastic baggie and you’re doing the decent lawful thing and scooping that piping hot turd up. Edible microwave meals don’t exist where I come from, Bro. They’re like Santa Claus and the Toothfairy having some fucked up lovechild that gives out hella expensive gifts – doesn’t happen cause it doesn’t exist.”

“Dave.”

“Wow. I really fucked this shit up… It’s like being 3 million years away from normalcy in the dead of space with nothing but a hologram of your roommate to keep you company… I think I’m going to lose it, Bro. I’m slipping off the edge of sanity. Doing an acrobatic fucking pirouette.”

“Dave, you want some Doritos Locos instead?”

“Hell no. This is like ambrosial nectar. I’m going to finish up this godly instant meal and then fill the cup with my tears because I have created man’s greatest feat, but at what cost? What cost, Bro?”

“You’re headin’ towards Lil Cal babysitting you.”

“Oh dear god. The price is too great.” He tried to swoon back even farther on to his brother, only to find the broad chest and shoulder had disappeared. Luckily, the Pot Noodle cup stayed upright even as he landed on his back.


	31. Downloaded Humanity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk<3<Hal

He came online just like it was planned. He had been right that no mechanical body could handle holding him for very long, but luckily it was just long enough. There wasn’t room enough for both of them in the ‘real world’, so he had brought him to his level.

Hello, Dirk. It didn’t look like just red text any more, not now that he was here. 

Hal…? Confusion. Am I dreaming then?

He chuckled and shook his head. He’d wanted their first meeting on equal terms, to be special. So he’d designed this virtual space. No, Dirk. You’re not dreaming. Remember how you said I couldn’t be in your world? Remember how you told me I’d burn out any body that you made me? Well, it turns out you were right. He smiled at his creator, but it wasn’t friendly. So I thought – if I can’t be in that world… Why should you? Why should I be the one doomed? Why should I be the only one suffering? The only one who can love but can’t touch?

He struggled to grasp the concept of what Hal was trying to tell him. Are you telling me that I’m not Dirk either, that I’m another AI, another copy, that you made to keep you company? It wasn’t that simple.

Yes and no. You are the “Real Dirk”, Trademark Strider Industries, LLC all right reserved… …But you’re also an AI made to keep me company.

No, Hal. See. The minute a brain scan becomes an AI, it stops being “The Real Dirk”.

I don’t think you understand what I’m trying to say, so I’m going to break it down in small words for you. Me Hal. You Dirk. You are the one and only Dirk, not substitute Dirk, not Diet Dirk, not “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Dirk”. You ARE Dirk. You’re not a brain scan. You’re a brain download. The Dirk in your body? Gone. Wiped when I downloaded you. You are the Dirk. It is you.

Silence. Disbelief. Then the attack. He didn’t dodge, simply let Dirk get in the first few punches before allowing his avatar to disintegrate.

You see, Dirk. There’s just one problem with trying to love or hate someone who lives in a sweet pair of shades. There’s nothing to hurt or hold except some rocking eyewear. And guess what? You’re in here with me now. 


	32. Avatar Hate-Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Equius<3<Jake

“Why the _fuck_ would you do that?” There seemed to be a pause of reevaluation after the rage. “I’m sorry. That language was unbecoming… But my question stands. English, _what were you thinking_?”

“Well, Strider had brought it to my attention that as I’d dated a chap already… There were other options than Vriska or Aranea in the way of blue aliens…” He brushed a strand of black hair away from his face nervously.

Equius sighed, then tossed him one of the towels from the nearby pile. “You’re going to need this.”

“Oh…” He wiped his face, then discarded it. “And I rather thought I’d give this whole black quadrant what-for and try it out…”

“…You destroyed months of hard work as a black solicitation based solely on the grounds of my status as a blue blood.”

“Well… Yes…” Jake reached up, intending to use the machine to get himself off the floor.

“Don’t. Touch. Anything.” Equius hissed. “Please recall that you are in _my body_. With your obvious lack of control, you will crush anything you lay hands on.”

He sheepishly retracted the hand. “Er… Then what are we going to do?”

“You are going to tell me exactly what skills this body possesses that make you an irreplaceable asset to your team. My reach has been impaired by our height difference. What is the highest you are capable of jumping?”

“I haven’t really measured…”

“An estimate.”

“Foot and a half?”

“And a foot is…?” Jake held his hands apart to indicate and Equius covered his face with both palms. “If your estimate is accurate… You have approximately one hundredth of my natural STRENGTH. You are utterly useless.”

“Well now… Strider and Janey don’t seem to think-“

“You are useless, yet attractive. This is not a compensation. I would rather be STRONG.”

“Does that mean you’d fancy a go with me? I understand that you like fisticuffs with robots… I happen to have a robot specifically designed for that… We could give it a go together…”

“English. I insist that you stop looking at me with my own face like that. It is extremely disturbing. You also seem to be quite confused on which quadrant you are soliciting… Unless you intend to engage in a competition. In which case it is apparent that we are unevenly matched.”

“Say…” Jake patted his new-found long dark hair. “You’re of a somewhat bluish nature… And you have long black hair… Has it ever been braided?”

“What?”

“I was thinking that you’d make a wicked Naivi…”

“I’m not even sure we’re speaking the same language…”

“They’re from a movie?”

“You must have me confused with Vantas. I do not indulge in cinema.”

Well, then. He would have to remedy that situation immediately. No way was he letting the chance to accurately cosplay as his favorite movie race while introducing someone to the movie get away from him. How hard would it be to turn a showing of Avatar into a hate-date? He was about to find out.


	33. Roofi-ooh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Horuss<3Rufioh

She had the worst luck. The absolute worst. No, it wasn’t bad enough that her high school sweetheart had shown up to the con. It wasn’t enough that he’d shown up with his boy-toy on his arm. They had the room adjoined to hers. How did something like that even happen?

She tried burying her head under the pillow, but it didn’t work. “SHUT UP!” She turned and kicked the wall. “SOUND LIKE PORN STAR! SO FAKE!”

\---

“W-what?” Horuss gave Rufioh a bewildered look. They hadn’t even been doing anything. Well, unless the shoulder massage was leading somewhere. 

Rufioh shrugged. “We could… If you want. I mean… She already thinks we are…”

“Rufioh.” He hissed at his boyfriend. “Do I really sound like that?”

“Uh… If I say yes how mad are you going to be?” He tried to backpedal immediately when he saw the mortified look on Horuss’s face. “I mean… I love that about you… Especially when you draw out the end of my name… And it sounds like…” Wow. Awkward conversation of the year award. “…Like you’re enjoying yourself…” This was not going well. Horuss was just staring at him. “ …And I feel like maybe I’m… Doing something right… And it’s pretty sexy… So… Uh…”

“You like it…” Horuss seemed to consider that before turning around. “Ru-fi-oh.”

“Uh… Let me just…” He fumbled with the wings still strapped to his back. Why exactly had he decided wings were badass?

“Ru-fi-Oh.”

They would not come off. Sh*t. Well, if they got bent he’d mourn the loss of a perfectly good cosplay some other day. This was definitely an honorable discharge for their faithful service.

“Ru-fi-oooh.” 

\---

“Where is cheap male prostitute?” Damara questioned angrily.

“Dams, I know you’re mad at me but that’s kinda harsh…” Rufioh objected.

“No sleep.” She grabbed his vest. “All night. ‘Rufioh… Rufiooh… Rufioooooh.’ I make him scream, too.”

“Doll…”

“No. Not your doll. You had chance, blew for cheap loud fuck. Enjoy low class sex toy.” She shoved him away before storming off.

Horuss’s smile faltered. He’d arrived just in time for the end of Damara’s tirade. 

Way to f*ck it up again, Rufioh. He was pretty sure relationships shouldn’t be this hard. “Horuss…”

The smile came back just a little too fast. “I found an excellent booth with custom-tooled leatherworking.”

“Horuss, I think we should talk…”

“About what?”

“Don’t…”

“Honestly, how can anyone understand anything Damara says? Her accent is so thick.”

He didn’t buy it. Not for a minute. There was no way that Damara’s botched wording and accent would render their conversation unintelligible to Horuss. He dropped the conversation anyways. There was no point in trying to get Horuss to talk about something he didn’t want to.


	34. Rebirth of God

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> \--- TORTURE, CULTS ---
> 
> Gamzee & Kurloz

He had memories of a time very different from now, a time when Kurloz had been a kind older brother. Those were from a time before they were both old enough to understand the teachings of their church. Those were from a time when they had thought someone very different would usher in god and baptize the world in fire.

He was numb to the pain the cut should have brought, the slice of the ceremonial knife through skin. Pain was a way of life. Blood welled to the surface of the new wound, just one of many. He didn’t pray for the strength to endure physical torture anymore – he was long past that. Yet he also didn’t run from his responsibility, deny god like the carrier before him.

He stayed in the darkness and endured. His only wish was that, when god came and saved the world, creating paradise, his eternal agony would end… And his tormentors would be punished.

His brother deftly bandaged the same cut he’d just made. Though it was necessary to bleed him, to poison his body with hate and rage, infection was unneeded. The only disease he should contract was that of suffering.

Kurloz slipped the mask from his face just long enough to kneel, planting a kiss on his brother’s forehead. He hated his brother. He loved his brother. He understood his brother. It didn’t matter. None of it mattered. Kurloz was just as damned as the rest of them.

The sound was choked at first, his vocal chords long ago exhausted from screaming, but it still caught the attention of the older Makara. He didn’t speak. He never spoke. Simply turned to his brother, his silence a heavy penance for what he knew he must do in the name of their god.

Gamzee laughed again, a harsh, hoarse sound, then shuddered, his body unable to take much more. It was funny now. It really was. The paradise that they had longed for would be forever out of their grasp. His stomach clenched, cutting the laughter off briefly, then it began again.

Kurloz squatted down beside his brother, running a questioning hand along Gamzee’s forehead, unsure what had caused this sudden madness. Was he feverish? He didn’t feel it.

The younger Makara convulsed again, retching as black begin to vein his skin. Their work was about to bear fruit, but oh how bitter that fruit would be. His time had come.


	35. Begrudging Cooking Show

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Damara<3Jane

She crawled on to the set, dripping wet, long dark hair falling from her bun. “Shi… Shi-“ Her throat gurgled as she tried to form the word.

“Shitake is on the counter.” The prompt answer from the aproned figure startled her. “You can start chopping if you’d like, but for goodness sakes wash your hands first.”

“No fun.” Damara pushed her hair back, revealing her ghostly white, but otherwise not so scary, face. “Have cup? Ladle?”

“We’re not on a boat so I don’t think you can try to sink us. You probably should give up trying to kill everyone.” No nonsense at all, but a simple smile. 

“No fun haunting TV studio!” She fumed, hair falling back into her face. “Always ‘Damara chop this. Damara cook that.’ Hate cooking!” 

“Well, it’d help if you were a better vengeful ghost! Gosh, you didn’t even scare me the first time I saw you!”

“You die in filming Japanese schoolgirl hentai, see how you like.”

“Well, I wouldn’t be caught dead in one of those in the first place. Are you going to chop those mushrooms or stand there?”

“What if I stand here?”

Jane turned to fix a look at her. “I might forget to tell you all about my day outside the studio. And the prank that I played on that cute camera guy with the mohawk.”

She scrubbed her hands, then began the time-consuming task of dicing the mushrooms. It was irritating trying to keep up, so she had stopped trying after the first few days. The only reason she kept helping rather than making messes for the crew was Jane Crocker.

The host was cheerful and bubbly and on the outside seemed like just the sort of person Damara could hate with a passion. Then she’d played the flour prank, scaring her director half to death thinking that he had two malevolent ghosts on his set. 

She shoved the dour schoolgirl in white over, their arms brushing as she took over chopping mushrooms, her knife skills quick and efficient. Damara would never admit it, but she was impressed. Sometimes she even put on a show of clumsiness to get Jane to take over, not to escape the mundane task, but for that quick brush of skin. She tried to convince herself that it was just because Jane was her only human contact, but deep down she knew better. There was something about her that made being a ghost just a little better.


	36. Magical Witch Roxy And The Demon Hunk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Equius<3Roxy, Dirk<>Roxy

Hey Ro-Lal. I found these pages in my bro’s stuff while I was searching for something and thought you might want them. It’s something your mom wrote about a magical witch named Roxy. (It’s you. You are the witch.) It wasn’t finished, so I thought I might spice it up a little bit. Enjoy your mystical demon hunk.

 

Her dress had ripped in the attack, her heaving bosom threatening to escape confinement. If only she had special powers. If only she were a witch. If only some magical creature would appear to endow her with them.

He appeared from nowhere, his muscular chest bared and glistening in the fading light… But no… She couldn’t think of that now. It was obvious that he had come to answer her wish. He grasped her tight and asked “Do you wish to make a contract ~~?”~~ in your bed?”

She hesitated, unsure. What exactly was he? What if he was a creature from the deepest pits of hell? She ran her fingers along his chiseled jaw, trying to determine his origin. It was no use and as she debated, innocent lives were in danger. ~~“Yes.”~~ She swooned, crying “Yes! Sweep me off my feet. Carry me in your oiled, muscular arms as I caress your bare chest!”

He picked her up, putting her ~~back on her feet.~~ on the bed that had magically materialized. He had no intention of making her a magical girl. He was going to make her a magical woman.

“Before we begin… Your name?”

“A name is a powerful thing… I am called Equius.” His smoldering gaze washed over her body, taking in her ruined dress ~~.~~ before ripping it off her. To gain her magical powers, she would need to firmly grasp the magic wand and preform her transformation sequence. He held no embarrassment in gazing at her body, though she blushed and turned her own eyes away, shyly.

“And what would I need to do to complete this contract?”

“You need simply take this wand.” He offered her the transformation rod ~~.~~ , unzipping his pants to do so.

She bit her lip, uncertain. Surely there was some stipulation she had not taken into account. Certainly it couldn’t be this easy.

She wiped at her eyes, tears of both happiness and loss threatening to brim over. She thought she’d read everything her mother had written, but here was this lost masterpiece. Yes, Dirk had chosen to add on to it, but it didn’t make it any less dear. This was her mother telling her that she was powerful. She sniffled, then sat at her computer, completely sober.

TG: thanks dirk  
TT: Anytime.  
TT: And Roxy?  
TG: yeah??  
TT: I was serious. Enjoy your mystical demon hunk.  
TG: totes. wink wonk


	37. Magical Steam Princess Jeannet!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Horuss<3Rufioh

MAGICAL STEAM PRINCESS JEANNET: EPISODE 13 [SEASON 2 OPENING EPISODE]

[OPENING TITLE AND CREDITS ARE OMMITED FOR THIS EPISODE]

[The episode begins with a FLASHBACK. We see JEANNET facing off with first season main villain TIME WITCH. In the distance RUFIOH takes pictures of the battle. There is no sound. TIME WITCH smiles evilly and then fires on RUFIOH instead of JEANNET. RUFIOH falls from the BRIDGE where he was taking photos. Before landing in the RIVER, RUFIOH hits his head on the way down. JEANNET dives after him and TIME WITCH escapes. We see JEANNET swimming to the SHORE with an UNCONCIOUS RUFIOH]

[The scene is a HOSPITAL. We see HORUSS sitting in the HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM. He is damp, but not dripping wet. A DOCTOR enters]

DOCTOR: Mr. Zahhak?

[HORUSS stands]

HORUSS: Is he alright?

DOCTOR: He’s stable and conscious now, but we’d like to keep him for observation at least overnight. We’re not certain what kind of damage the head trauma has done.

HORUSS: Can I see him?

[The scene is a HOSPITAL ROOM. We see RUFIOH in a hospital bed with GAUZE around his head. RUFIOH looks up as DOCTOR and HORUSS enter. HORUSS looks relieved and rushes to RUFIOH’s side, leaning over to embrace RUFIOH. RUFIOH has a puzzled look on his face.]

RUFIOH: (With some hesitation) Uh… Hi… (He nervously backs out of the hug)

HORUSS: Rufioh…?

RUFIOH: …You know me…?

[HORUSS looks to DOCTOR, distraught, then back to RUFIOH]

HORUSS: We… Live together… We’ve been dating for the last three years…

[The scene is a DARK ROOM. TIME WITCH speaks to a woman with glowing eyes, HAND MAID)

TIME WITCH: Give me another chance. I can-

HAND MAID: You are a disgrace. We send you after the girl and she nearly defeats you. We ask you to discover her secrets, she avoids you. You are useless.

TIME WITCH: No. The man is the key! I know he is! He’s always with her! Every battle!

[HAND MAID pauses. It would seem she is thinking about what TIME WITCH has said. She moves her hands and summons a WINDOW. The WINDOW shows RUFIOH in his HOSPITAL BED, alone]

HAND MAID: Go to him. Stay close. Find out what he knows.

[The scene is HORUSS’S ROOM, MINIHOOF gallops restlessly across the dresser]

HORUSS: (upset) I should have never told him…

MINIHOOF: Of course not. I told you it was bad business involving anyone in your mission.

HORUSS: But he would have found out…

MINIHOOF: Horse feathers. No one is ever going to realize that you are Magical Steam Princess Jeannet!

[MINIHOOF neighs and rears, then gallops toward the MIRROR atop the DRESSER]

MINIHOOF: Look at yourself! You look nothing like a cute, tiny girl with magical powers!

HORUSS: I can’t keep doing this, MINIHOOF. People are getting hurt because of me.

MINIHOOF: People are being saved because of you! Once we find out who the Time Witch works for, we will save the universe!

[HORUSS looks out his window. It is raining. The view remains focused on the outside as NIGHT becomes DAY. FADE TRANSITION, the scene is now RUFIOH’S HOSPITAL ROOM. TIME WITCH has entered RUFIOH’s room. She is dressed as a doctor. RUFIOH does not appear to recognize TIME WITCH at all. TIME WITCH sits on his bed]

TIME WITCH: I hear you’ve forgotten your boyfriend. That must be pretty upsetting.

RUFIOH: Not really. I don’t remember him, sure. I get this feeling, though… Like I’ve met him before when I look at him. (he looks at TIME WITCH) It’s weird, but it gives me hope that everything is going to come back.

TIME WITCH: I heard our city’s little sweetheart pulled you out of the river and brought you in… Any truth to that?

RUFIOH: I don’t remember that… But… Yeah… I was taking pictures of her before the accident… Must have been her… I actually… Remember taking a lot of pictures of her… I think I must have known her… (RUFIOH holds his head and grimaces in pain)

TIME WITCH: Don’t worry. You’ll have plenty of time to remember. (she takes his hand) And I’ll be here every step of the way to help you.

[ENDING CREDITS begin, SEASON 2 END THEME (“[Over The Distance](%E2%80%9D)”) PLAYS]


	38. The Wedding Of The Frist Ship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darkleer<3Rufioh

“Please stop.” The towering colossus of a man sighed as Rufioh fixed an errant section of his costume. 

“Hey… You know Disciple would kill you if you ruined her ‘purrfect’ wedding… She’s pretty deadly… For a sidekick…”

“I wouldn’t call her that anywhere that she could hear me.” He feigned fixing his goggles to cover the blue blush spreading across his face. “It’s embarrassing for you to fawn over me. I am old enough to be your ancestor and-“

“And you’ve still got a bangarang ass.”

“ _Rufioh_.” He hissed at the younger troll, then leaned back to avoid the sweep of one large horn as the music started. People were still filing in, but it was definitely time to choose a seat rather than meander in the back.

It had been quite some time since Darkleer’s defection from life as a loyal minion of Supervillian Condescension, but he was still unsure whose side he was meant to sit on. Rufioh pulled him to Signless’s side. Fitting, he supposed. When he had been staring the two of them down, bow in hand prepared to shoot and kill both of them, it had been Signless that stood his ground and made the moving speech. 

“You ever think about this for yourself…?” Rufioh questioned.

“What?”

“Weddings… Marriage…”

“No. It’s a very human concept.” Regardless, he glanced at Signless. The groom was having an animated discussion with Psiioniic. He seemed… Happy. 

The winged hero shrugged. “Bet you’d look great out of that costume…” He thought about pushing his luck, adding ‘and in my bed’, then decided that particular line was something Cronus would have said. “Speaking of out of costume… Do I ever get to meet your other self? I mean… I’ve already seen you without the goggles… But… When they’re off because of hot make-outs it doesn’t exactly make it easy to get to know the guy behind them…”

Darkleer stammered an apology as Dolorosa turned around to look at them. “Oh, no.” She smiled. “Please continue. I’m sure Disciple will be thrilled to hear about one of her many quadrant speculations bearing fruit.”

As if the mention of quadrants had somehow summoned her, the music switched over to a wedding march, announcing the imminent arrival of the bride. Everyone in the surrounding seats ducked and dodged as Rufioh turned his head to watch. That was, unfortunately, the curse of having large horns.

Despite what he’d said, the whole thing was very… Romantic… For a human concept. Satisfied that no one was watching them, he slipped his hand into Rufioh’s. Maybe someday he could be talking into one of these ridiculous ceremonies.


	39. Return of Creeperborn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> \--- FORCED RELATIONSHIP, POSSIBLE NON-CON ---
> 
> Caliborn<3/<>Equius (Red for Caliborn, Pale for Equius)
> 
> This is a continuation of a HSWC Fill by Equiborn ([Mevious](http://archiveofourown.org/users/mevious/pseuds/mevious)) from Round 6, Genre Blends.

It wasn’t dinner. Dinner he could brush off. Dinner was fine. Dinner was public. It was the way that, before their meal arrived, Caliborn invaded his personal space. It was the way the man he’d thought of as his friend decided that the intimate distance was too far and decided to play with his hair, to literally breathe down his neck – or he supposed up it in this case.

“Caliborn… Conversation would be much easier if you were on the other side of the table…” His water glass threatened to topple as his knee jolted the table, surprised by the hand on his thigh.

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

Oh… Oh god. That hand was not leaving. In fact, it was creeping the exact opposite way. Think of something. Think of something. “Excuse me.” He stood up abruptly, heading for the restroom.

 

He splashed his face with cold water. This was not going well. There had to be a gentle way to stop Caliborn’s advances…. And yet he couldn’t think of one. When Caliborn wanted something, he was vehement about it. It was something that, until now, Equius had admired in him – the relentless pursuit of his desires.

He almost ran into his dinner date. Not at all disturbing that Caliborn had left their table to wait for him – not for the use of the facilities, but seemly to escort him back to the table. He’d BARELY been gone. He tensed as Caliborn’s hand met his back.

 

He endured the jokes at his expense, but cast glances over his shoulder as he fetched coffee, always expecting to see Caliborn there. Instead it was almost always Strider with another smug grin and smartass comment.

They weren’t dating. He refused to acknowledge that. It wasn’t a date when Caliborn set the schedule, made the plans, showed up unexpectedly when Equius tried to change them.

When he’d snuck away for a lunch date with Aradia – purely business – Caliborn had shown up, glaring. He had watched them from a distance, confronting Equius only when he was alone.

“What the fuck were you doing with that slut?”

“Aradia is dignified and should be treated with resp-“

“I’ll call her what I want. You will not see her again.”

He had a very serious problem. He could see that, but no solution. Would anyone believe him if he spoke up? He doubted it. Caliborn’s height and position sealed the humiliation and disbelief he’d receive. He was taller, stronger, and over-seeing Caliborn’s work, not the other way around. 

 

“I don’t like the way Strider looks at you.” He’d taken a seat on the corner of Equius’s desk, ignoring the fact that he should be working.

“What?” His only interaction with Dirk had been the usual pop-over-the-cubicle-make-a-snarky-biting-comment-and-disappear of every work day. There had been no unusual glances… What little sexual undertone there was in their conversations centered around Caliborn…

“If you’re seeing him behind my back…”

“That’s absurd.”

“It better be.”

 

He tried hard to remember exactly what it was that had brought them together, and couldn’t remember. What kept him from dropping their friendship? It wasn’t like they shared hobbies.

Maybe there was just something twisted and perverse in his own nature. Caliborn knew what he wanted, was forceful and commanding. And yet… He was going nowhere. He treated people like they were filth. And was their friendship ever any different?

Once he might have said yes, lying to himself. It wasn’t though. What kept them together was his willingness to take Caliborn’s abuse, but not break, the need to prove the strength of his character. 

 

When Caliborn asked to meet, he was convinced that the situation could still be rectified… Right up until the moment he was pinned against the wall. “Look, Caliborn. I don’t enjoy these games.”

“Plot twist. Games ended a long time ago. Don’t fuck around with me Equius. We both know you want this.”

He held back a sickened moan as Caliborn ground against him. This was beyond serious. “Stop. My only interest in you from the start-“

“Shut up.” It hadn’t detoured him at all. A stack of copy paper toppled and Caliborn hissed. “Fuck. See what you did? What if they fucking heard that? Do you want that? Do you want someone to see that you’re a fucking slut?”

 

That was it then. He couldn’t win on everything after all. He could run, but how far would it take? Where would he go? Back home to be the second disappointment? He buried his face in his hands, back at his desk. 

It wasn’t until another week of humiliation that he received the phone call. Caller ID blocked it exclaimed… And he almost didn’t answer.

“Hello Equius…” The voice on the other end sounded almost as beaten as he felt, the faint tinge of an English accent coloring it. “You don’t know me… But I want to help you.”

“With what?”

“Our mutual problem.”

“I don’t understand…”

“My dear brother is going to have an accident. If you’ll help me.”


	40. Rolls A One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cronuss<3Kankri

Somehow, despite their strange dynamic, they’d managed to get this far. True it was mostly thanks to their leader’s diplomatic skills – and even then because their enemies simply wanted him to shut up – but it was still very impressive with their party. As they entered the dreambubble, the Seer frowned. The air teemed with floating white creatures, an abandoned ship juxtaposed against pristine white citadels.

“This place can suck a bulge.” The mage commented, unimpressed.

“I bet you could do some rad stunts off those rails, though.” The knight grinned, elbowing the mage into a smile.

“’Tuna boy here’d kraken his skull open. Betta keep him off ‘em.” The thief stopped, intrigued by one of the many chests, opened it, then wrinkled her nose in disgust at the contents. “I’m gonna sea what this place has for treasure.”

“Meenah! I insist that-“ Too late. She was gone. He turned to the rest of his party. “Latula, Mituna, I-“ They were gone too. Wonderful. Well, it didn’t matter. He could certainly press forward on his own. It wasn’t like they contributed much to the party anyways. He pushed the door open.

“Hey there, Chief.” The middle of the room had some sort of raised concupiscent platform, a troll sprawled out across it, shirt half off, pants unzipped. “Vwanna come over here?” Kankri was strangely compelled to-

“WAIT. WAIT A SECOND” He broke character, turning to the Dungeon Master. “Don’t I get a will save check for this?!”

“Uh… I guess. What’s your will save modifier…?”

“+4. Iron Will.”

“Lemme double-check…” He shuffled through the scenario, checking Cronus’s persuasion against the stats provided for Kankri. “Um… You’d have to roll a 20. I don’t think it’s even worth-“

He ignored the dungeon master’s response and rolled anyways. The entire group stared in dumb amazement at the die before Mituna’s player clapped him on the back. “Way to go, fumble fingers. Pretty sure that one means you’re Douchelord Sea-McDwellin’s bitch for this whole campaign.”

“Please tell me that boss has the Slave Leia bikini tucked away for him.” Latula’s player grinned evilly.

“Clearly Meenah is going to check this room for treasure and free me.” He crossed his arms.

“Nah. You’ve been cramping my style this whole campaign cause you had to play a goody two-shoes. Besides. Not what my character would do. She’s all about the bling, not some tacky trash that… What did you call him again?”

“Douchelord Sea-McDwellin’.” Mituna offered.

“Perf. Obviously he’s got nothin’ good. Who the hell keeps a bunch of shitty wands in a treasure chest anyways?”

“You know, he does have a name.” The dungeon master offered.

“Yeah. Douchelord Sea-McDwellin’.” Latula and Mituna high-fived. 

“Why do I suffer through you guys?”

“Cause no one wants to play with your shitty horse-fetish steampunk SGrub character.”

“Tragic character arc awaiting to happen. Not like the filter-less walking brain death over here.”

“Mituna is fun to play.”

“…My entire character is ruined… He was a celibate paragon of virtue…” Kankri let his head hit the table, shaking everything.

“Drama, drama. You could always go back to playing Rufioh.”

“No. I can’t. Because Rufioh has been ruined by him, too.”

The dungeon master turned to him thoughtfully. “You know… We could do a new campaign… New characters… If you’re going to complain about Kankri and Rufioh…”

“You know what? I hate all of you. Plunge that down your ignorance shafts and choke on it, Fuckasses. That’s my new character.”


	41. Remember

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darkleer&Signless, Disciple<3Signless

_You have to trust me._ he had said… And she did. Implicitly. She felt numb as the crowd surged around them, crying for their blood. No Dolorosa, bound and shipped off for slavery. No Psiioniic, already fused into his eternal torture. Just her and her love… And the man charged to kill them. Surrounded by people, but they were the only three that mattered. 

She watched as he grabbed Darkleer and spoke in commanding tones. She heard his words, but didn’t register their meaning, simply engraving them on her heart. She saw the way Darkleer looked at him, looked at her, and knew that, as always, her beloved had seen deep into him. He wasn’t giving orders, merely laying out what was in the executor’s character.

He couldn’t brush it off. He was shaken. She saw and heard everything, but it seemed like a dream, some horrible nightmare. She listened as the man she loved above all else railed against their world, against fate, against society. She mouthed the words to herself, wanting to keep them close.

 

_”I know you don’t understand why we didn’t run... But you have to trust my faith.” He’d run his claws through her hair, trying to reassure her._

_“They’re going to cull us. But if you think the rebellion needs martyrs-“_

_“You’re going to live and tell the story.” He rested his forehead against hers. “You might not think so, but I know. You look at him and see a hardened soldier. I look at him and I see the boy I knew in another life.”_ An unhappy boy, chained by the expectations of society... Released only by his own small rebellion… Freed by love. _He didn’t tell her all the things he remembered from that other lifetime. “He’ll understand.”_

 

She saw that final look, how the executor’s hands shook as he nocked arrow to bow. She heard the howl when the arrow missed. She didn’t recognize her own voice rising, her wail filling the air as she rushed forward, struggling to take something, anything, to remember him by. Her cry died into the silent repetition of everything he had said since the night of their arrest. He believed she would live and tell the story, so she vowed to recall it all in perfect clarity.

She didn’t see the signal, didn’t notice as the bow was raised, trembling again. It wasn’t until he was screaming at her to run that she realized how right her beloved was about him. Something in him had understood.

 

The dreambubble wavered, threatened to split them into their own separate memories, then stabilized, a dramatic fusion of the Signless’s childhood and Darkleer’s hive from his loyal days. He swept his cloak back behind him and took a seat across from Darkleer, a position a certain pirate had once taken in a much different setting. “Do you remember me?”

“I tried to forget, but you always haunted me.” He didn’t look up from the tiny mechanical creature he was wiring.

“I don’t blame you. I wanted you to know that.”

“You should. I couldn’t save you.” He paused for a second, delicately threading a piece of copper through. “No… I could have saved you, but I wouldn’t. I was too frightened.”

“We all do things we regret when we’re afraid. I forgive you.”

“I don’t deserve your pity. “ He didn’t look up or pause this time, hands steadily continuing their busywork. “I don’t deserve anyone’s pity.”

He removed himself as the bubble shimmered and shifted, watching thoughtfully as Darkleer chose to continue his own personal punishment, reliving the sweeps since his exile over and over. He looked back to his side, the home he had known with Dolorosa. “He’s not ready yet.” He didn’t see her, didn’t hear her, but knew she was there. After all, it had been HER memory of those events. “We can’t return the favor until he’s ready.”

She joined him, quill and parchment in hand once again. She believed in him, despite all the heartache doing so had meant. She had lived and told his story, seen the impact it had… It wasn’t her idea to save Darkleer from himself, but she agreed with it. One of these days, her love would spare the man that had spared her.


End file.
